Home > X Reports > The Append-X-Report: Part the Third
The Append-X-Report.
[author: Demosthenes]
Part the Third
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
The Censor Federation is gathering for an assault on Queen Pamedala
and her small but loyal band. Darth Alston, the evil progenitor of the
Federation's plans, is giving out final orders before the CGI (Censor
Gratuitous Imprecations) complete their final cleansing.
Censor 1: How come we don't get proper names?
Darth Alston: Because you're useless and inconsequential toadies who
have absolutely no relevance to the action ... And you probably die
very shortly too.
Censor 2: That doesn't sound particularly fair to me!
Darth Alston: You should have negotiated a better contract.
Censor 2 [complaining still]: If I'm working for evil I should at
least get a cool and evil name ... I'm not going to stand--
Suddenly Censor 2 clutches its chest and falls to the ground.
George LouCus [from on high]: I find your lack of tolerance ...
disturbing. And when i am disturbed ... accidents happen.
Censor 1 [under breath]: That would explain Caravans of Courage ...
LouCus: You spoke?
Censor 1 [loudly]: I said CGI is lovely.
Darth Alston [to LouCus]: I need this one. He must implement my plot
to destroy P******a and ensure the passage of important legislation
through the Galactic Senate. It is vital to the welfare of rich
bastards (like yourself) everywhere and the future re-election of
Liberal governments.
LouCus: Too bad ... you'll have to do it the hard way.
Censor 1 too falls to the ground.
LouCus: Apology accepted, useless minor character.
Darth Alston: Censor 3!
Censor 3: Yes, my lord?
Darth Alston: Begin landing your CGI. You are in
command now, Censor 3.
Censor 3 [unimpressed at the promotion]: Fucking great ... Ooops
Censor 3 undergoes total existence failure due to gratuitous
violations of the Censorship code.
Darth Alston [to LouCus]: I hope you have enough of these imbeciles to
last me to the end of the screenplay.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
We now pause for an intermission. No, we have not reached the middle
of the awards (we're past that) and we are not going to play Find the
Fish.
But it was nice of you to ask.
Instead, we are going to give out a special award tonight. An award
that is rarely ... awarded ... but dates back to the inception of atxf
...
Well, actually it doesn't, but it sounds ever so much more impressive
if I say it does, don't you think?
Anyway ...
The AWARD is that of ATXF Poet Laureate and the winner (nominated by
Demosthenes and Danny) is of course ... JJ.
Here are the posts if you were a slack bastard and forgot to pay
attention the first time ...
~From: "jj;-)" <jjacobs@silas.cc.monash.edu.au>
~Newsgroups: aus.tv.x-files
~Subject: Re: Krycek in Two Fathers
~Date: Wed, 28 Apr 1999 14:39:01 +1000
Demosthenes wrote:
> Mike Berriman wrote in message ...
> ><delurk>
> Hi mike, <wave> welcome.
Hello Mike.
> <snippo>
> >I have no idea what Mrs Mulder wrote, but according to the
> description of "Two
> >Fathers" on the Official Site, it's called a Gimlet.
> Gimlet: A small boring tool. [the little oxford dictionary].
> Ah, that'd be why CSM gave it to Spender. A perfect match. <eg>
LOL! Gimlet synonym: wimble.
wittle jeffy wiv his wimble
wombled up to big bad webel
webel saw the big bad weapon
wittle jeffy in the wars!
jeffy wiv his wimble wanting
big bad webel - go away!
lucky watboy in the backgwound
wascally webel wipe-out day!
:-)
jj
*****
~Newsgroups: aus.tv.x-files
~Subject: TAN: Pathetic poetry
~From: "Andrew Jacobs" <jakejo@melb.alexia.net.au>
~Date: Thu, 20 May 1999 20:41:29 +1000
These are done on Demosthenes' request, but they're terrible. Sorry
everyone. :)
PATHETIC POETRY FOR ATXF (Remember I warned you ...)
....for _Agua Mala_
it's a crappy day today
and whatever you've got to do
just make sure you don't go near
ice-men wrapped in goo
for if wiggly sea-bots can be seen
they'll take you by the throat and then attack your spleen
then you'll choke and melt in pain -
except if you bathe in nice fresh water
out in a hurricane -
and no matter if you bathe in nice fresh water
it's still a crappy day.
.... for _Monday_
when you go down to the bank today
you're sure to get a surprise
when you go down to the bank today
be sure that the thin girl dies
for otherwise Mulder's bound to get shot
or Scully's timing isn't so hot
today's the day the psycho guy bombs a credit bank
... or also for _Monday_
mulder wakes up wet in bed
'nuff said?
(see? i told you they were pathetic. that's what you get for trying
to
create under pressure!)
:) jj
*****
~Newsgroups: aus.tv.x-files
~Subject: Re: REL: The Unnatural
~From: jj <jjacobs@silas.cc.monash.edu.au>
~Date: Thu, 24 Jun 1999 17:42:51 +1000
Danny wrote:
> Well, that wasn't as bad as I expected. I can't believe some of you
> think that the episode was an abomination. It was just a bit of fun.
and here's a bit more.....
The Unnatural: episode guide
mulder madly meddles in
arthur dales demented kin
and what does muddled mulder find?
close encounters, ku klux kind!
all the sports stars: alien
with blood not quite mammalian
morphing bounty hunters, too
obsessed with green baseball-glove goo
mulder is a horse's ass
(saved us saying it), but alas!
arthur dales again survives
this cat, it seems has got nine lives.
duchovny please don't write again;
we like some plot just now and then.
and carter, hear our general shout
Arfur Daly - leave 'im out!
:)
jj
***************
JJ Poet extraordinaire
Writing verse without compare
The entire newsgroup pales to you
Producing epics e'er so true
ATXF Poet Laureate
In this do not mistake
Our intent to see you crowned
The greatest bard of those around
Oh Athene, you must see
Your talent doth swamp me
Danny, Quokka are in awe
To us thou art the troubadour
To assist our newly crowned Poet we have assembled this veritable
armoury of items to assist the creative process.
The Calligraphy Pen of Infinite Ink
The Thesaurus of Ultimate Rhyming
The Magna Doodle of Reusable Scribbling
Erik's +1 Crayons
And of course .... the Collected Works of John Laws.
Happy Rhyming.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Chev Ron Jinn, questing for the Queen Pamedala, has been ambushed by
CGI and become separated from his companion and Padawan, Obi Wan
Kenafi.
The CGI are unstoppable, even the newsgroup's natural denizens -- the
lurkers -- are unable to hide. It is flee or be moderated.
Then the jedi master spots a dumb animal seemingly entranced by the
CGI's advance. He alters course in an attempt to save the creature ...
Chev Ron: Get out of the way! Run!
JJ Binks: ?!
Chev Ron tries to reach the creature but trips on a root. He falls
flat as the CGI roar harmlessly over him. The hapless creature,
however, is not so lucky.
JJ Binks gets splattered; the CGI continue on into the distance.
Kenafi comes running up to Chev Ron. They look at the deceased
creature.
Chev Ron: Everything dies.
Kenafi: What do you suppose it was, master?
Chev Ron: I have not a f****ng idea ...
Kenafi: Master?
Chev Ron: There is a deep disturbance in the group. We are being
moderated. Censor Federation forces must be near.
Kenafi: Master, they just went past.
Chev Ron: Cute does not suit you Padawan, especially with that
haircut.
Kenafi: Sorry master.
Chev Ron: Come. We must find find the Queen. And be wary of
expletives, they draw the attention of the Censors.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
The Poster Formerly Known As David wins the "CONJECTURES 'R US" AWARD
for explaining the atxf method of deciphering mytharc (or any other
topic we might vaguely have an interest in)...
~Date: Sat, 01 May 1999 17:27:00 +0800
~From: "The poster formerly known as David." <whatrulooking@?.>
~Newsgroups: aus.tv.x-files
~Subject: Re: The Grand Plan?
Yaro Starak wrote:
> Ok, I need some explanations.
> After watching last weeks episode (the one one) I really need some
> further explanations on what is happening and what has happened.
>
I think you are over estimating the cpmbined ability of this newsgroup
to
explain things like this. Our ability to speculate is second to none.
Snip.
D.
*****
$2K receives the "HERESY" AWARD for suggesting atxf might exist
without him ...
~From: "$2K" <natgatcat@geocities.com>
~Newsgroups: aus.tv.x-files
~Subject: Re: Is the end drawing near?
~Date: Mon, 10 May 1999 15:04:01 +1000
Stephen Turtle wrote:
>
> On Fri, 7 May 1999 11:08:58 +1000, "E.B.E." <n2183838@sparrow.qut.edu.au>
> wrote:
>
> >On Wed, 5 May 1999, $2K wrote:
> >
> >} ATXF Natgat99 proudly brought to you by
> >} Annette Fraser*
> >} EBE*
> >} Ngaire Mayo!!!
> >} M2K#
> >} &teve Turtle*
> >} Lyndal Cairns#
> >} and special guest star $2K
> >} * Semi regular posters to ATXF
> >} !!! Posts to ATXF often enough for me to watch my step
> >} # Hasn't seen work on ATXF since a cameo appearance on the newsgroup 5
> >} years ago
> >WTF??? When did I get downgraded???
> >Sheesh, just coz I don't post REL here any more, you'd think I was a
> >second-rate citizen or something...
> $teve considers anyone other than himself to be semi-regular posters
> After all he included me in that group as well!
I didn't want to set up a dozen different categories.
I'm not a regular poster here either anymore.
You have all considered that there may be an ATXF without $teve at
some
point haven't you?
$2K
*********
Demos: Do you have any final words before we burn you at the stake?
$teve: Yes ... I've left, so none of you exist anymore.
Demosthenes disappears in a puff of logic.
Robin Harrison receives the "HOLD THE FRONT PAGE" AWARD for this scoop
...
~From: merlinc@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au (Robin Harrison)
~Newsgroups: aus.tv.x-files
~Subject: Re: MERCH: "The Unnatural Commemorative Slate"
~Date: Sun, 02 May 1999 23:38:39 GMT
Danny@Bloody.Vikings.scoutnet.net.au (Danny) wrote:
>And verily, On 2 May 1999 01:17:34 GMT, words spouted from the mouth of
>mlopez5385@aol.com (MLopez5385), and they spake of "The Unnatural Commemorative
>Slate":
>
>>
>>This baby is on auction at GAWS... is just beautiful....
>>
>>http://gaws.ao.net/other/activities/auction/slate2.jpg
>
>Doesn't look like a baby to me...
>
>
>And I'm pretty sure DD and Tea Leoni would be angry if anyone apart from
>them was allowed to sell their baby....
DD and TL are selling their baby?
"CHILD SLAVERY CHARGES LAID AGAINST OUT-OF-THIS-WORLD STAR"
(film at 11)
--
Merlin Corey <*> Robin
Harrison
ATXF web site ___
__________________________________
http://welcome.to/atxf /\ | \/ |_
____________________________ /--\ | /\ | ATXF National
Gathering
http://come.to/theNatGat
Robin: Wait wait! I've just heard a rumour of a murder in a strip
joint. I can see the headline now ... "HEADLESS BODY FOUND IN TOPLESS
BAR"
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
The two jedi have finally found Queen Pamedala and her cohorts. An
argument is in progress over the ownership of certain lightsabres.
Pamedala: How about I just give you a JJ Binks Tongue-Kissing lolly?
Chev Ron [imitating Jjoda]: Of the dark side, such merch is. Mine the
lightsabre must be.
Captain Xandaka [to Pamedala]: This is battle I think that we can win.
Chev Ron: You *will* give us a lightsabre ...
Pamedala: Your jedi mind tricks will not work on me.
Chev Ron [sigh]: They never work on anybody it seems. Look -- I can't
even make them work on myself.
[Waves his hand]
Chev Ron: Kenny G is not elevator music ... See it's useless.
Pamedala: I think you're setting your bar a bit there.
Kenafi [eagerly]: I can do it, master.
[Waves hand at Chev Ron]
Kenafi: These aren't the lightsabres we're looking for ... We must
return to the council.
Chev Ron: There are no lightsabres here. Come, we must return to the
council.
Pamdme: Stop. We must go with you.
Chev Ron: And who the hell might you be?
Pamdme [also waving hand]: We *must* go with you.
Chev Ron: Oh, all right then. But stop waving your b****y hand about
like that.
Kenafi: The CGI must be close. We must do something quickly.
Pamedala: Oi. Stop stealing my lines.
Kenafi: Well, I've got f**k all and you've got heaps.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
The next award (the "NO 'LINK? SURE, FINE, WHATEVER" AWARD) is of a
dual nature, and goes to Xander-Robin and $teve for this inexplicably
similar pair of posts ....
~Newsgroups: aus.tv.x-files
~Subject: Re: TAN: News from Amber
~From: "$2K" <natgatcat@geocities.com>
~Date: Wed, 05 May 1999 09:10:09 +1000
Chris Sloan wrote:
>
> On Mon, 03 May 1999 13:07:19 GMT, Danny@Bloody.Vikings.scoutnet.net.au
> (Danny) wrote:
>
> >
> >
> >MAN THAT IS FREAKY!!!!!!!!
> >
> >Well it's no coincidence that Chris & I got a postcard from Amber on the same
> >day, considering we wrote one together to send to her.
> >
> >What is freaky, is that we chose to give our posts *EXACTLY THE SAME* subject
> >line. This is PURE coincidence, trust me.
> >
> >Damn 'link.
>
> What 'link. ?
There is no Stevelink.
Move along. These aren't the droids you're looking for....
$2K
- Tip for Star Wars Prequels - Watch to see how Kenobi turned Anakin
to
the dark side of the force -
*****
~Newsgroups: aus.tv.x-files
~Subject: Re: TAN: News from Amber
~From: merlinc@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au (Robin Harrison)
~Date: Wed, 05 May 1999 00:01:53 GMT
Chris Sloan wrote:
>
> On Mon, 03 May 1999 13:07:19 GMT, Danny@Bloody.Vikings.scoutnet.net.au
> (Danny) wrote:
>
> >
> >
> >MAN THAT IS FREAKY!!!!!!!!
> >
> >Well it's no coincidence that Chris & I got a postcard from Amber on the same
> >day, considering we wrote one together to send to her.
> >
> >What is freaky, is that we chose to give our posts *EXACTLY THE SAME* subject
> >line. This is PURE coincidence, trust me.
> >
> >Damn 'link.
>
>What 'link. ?
There is no Stevelink.
Move along. These aren't the droids you're looking for....
XandeRobin
--
Merlin Corey <*> Robin
Harrison
ATXF web site ___
__________________________________
http://welcome.to/atxf /\ | \/ |_
____________________________ /--\ | /\ | ATXF National
Gathering
http://come.to/theNatGat
****
The evidence is mounting ...
The 'link is out there ...
Daniel Lam receives the "WOMEN AREN'T OUT THERE" AWARD
~Newsgroups: aus.tv.x-files
~Subject: Re: REL: Agua Mala questions
~From: danyzn@hotmail.com (Daniel Lam)
~Date: Sat, 22 May 1999 17:25:56 GMT
On Fri, 21 May 1999 17:32:55 GMT, ingridbj@my-dejanews.com wrote:
>I also like the fact that women (female mammals) are chimeras.
Women are only creatures of the imagination? Somebody should have
told me earlier, I would have stopped looking for them.
Daniel Lam
*******
Speaking personally, I stopped looking long ago ...
And Trevor Calder wins the "REL" AWARD for this amazing explanation of
the nature and genesis of the monster in Aqua Mala ...
~Newsgroups: aus.tv.x-files
~Subject: Monster of the Weak (was Re: REL: Agua Mala questions)
~From: trevorREMOVE@THISiinet.net.au (Trevor Calder)
~Date: 16 May 1999 07:10:04 GMT
A nice person called Chris Sloan (who can be contacted at
ibid@a011.aone.net.aus) told all the world the following....
>OK, folks. I haven't done biology since 3rd form (1983), so this
>partly explains my confusion, but what the Hell was the life-cycle of
>that creature?
For the first time for a long time, they almost got the MOTW right.
There were a few bits I didn't much care for, but this monster
almost works.
It turns out to be a giant jellyfish, of all things.
First off, it's a sea monster. There is a lot of the ocean which
hasn't even been scratched by explorers, and for that reason alone a
sea monster is always more believable.
It's parasitic - nothing wrong with that. Lots of perfectly good
animals
have far more complicated parasitic life cycles.
We never saw the adult form - just some tentacles. Lots of animals
have
tentacles - in particular jellyfish.
Ok, so here is the life cycle of the agua mala according to Trevor:
The young are "injected" into a host by an adaptation of the jellyfish
stinging cells. They are several centimetres long to start with, which
indicates the animal usually deals with large animals as hosts.
The young grow, and while doing so excrete digestive enzymes into the
host body absorbing the resulting "stew" through their skin.
On reaching a large enough size, they burst the hosts body and become
free living forms.
The adults feed by attacking prey, secreting a slime capsule around
itself
and the body, and doing the external digestion bit again.
After mating, the adults attack suitable hosts and place the larval
form
in them.
Simple.
It's a jellyfish variant for several reasons - the tentacles, the
adapted stinging cells used for infesting a host (with presumably a
venomous type for feeding). It is still translucent, like most
jellyfish.
It can take considerable damage without being killed (someone count
the
shotgun blasts the nutcase put into the one in his ceiling, please),
yet if exposed to sufficient fresh water, appears to dissolve away to
(almost?) nothing.
The tentacles are strong enough to lift an adult into the air without
breaking - that indicates serious muscle. I would hazard a guess that
these things normally prey on large bottom dwelling fish, but given
that
the young didn't suffer from being in a hot body, there is also a
suggestion that they will also go after dolphins, etc.
I didn't like the way that the eaten bodies dissolved away without
leaving
behind any traces - that is *very difficult* to do, and given that we
have had similar effects used before, I don't see why we couldn't have
had various bits left floating about in the bath.
I especially did not like the "it dissolves in fresh water" way of
dealing with this thing. If they are that sensitive to osmotic
pressure
(and they could be) then invading a human body (or any body) is not
going to be a pleasant experience. Bodies are about halfway between
seawater and fresh water. Freshwater will kill 'em dead instantly, but
they live happily in bodies?
Nope, sorry, it just don't work.
I never expect any MOTW to be right, but overall this was a bit less
wrong than most.
--
Trevor Calder
"..it is foolishness and endless trouble to cast a
stone at every dog that barks at you.."
******
Wow! :)
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
As they try to rejoin the Council, the jedi pair and Pamedala run into
a CGI blockade. Their No-Spam shields sustain a violent assault from
the CGI, then begin to disintegrate.
In desperation Captain Xandaka despatches the one thing that may save
them -- the astrosin droids. Automatically they begin to repair the
crumbling defences. And since the author's imagination is beginning to
fail, please insert a climactic scene here.
Shortly after the dramatic-scene-of-your-choice, a strange little
ceremony ensues ...
Pamedala [to Xandaka]: I believe we owe our lives to the actions of
this little droid ...
Xandaka: Yes, your Highness. By [insert appropriate heroic act here],
this droid saved us all.
Pamedala: What is its identification?
Xandaka [looks]: $2k2, your Highness.
Pamedala: $2k2, you have our gratitude.
$2k2 [warbles indignantly]: Gratitude?! Not much of a reward for
saving your pretty arse, babe.
Pamedala [clearly unable to understand Astrosin]: Pamdme. Go and clean
our little hero.
$2k2 [chirps happily]: Now we're taking rewards.
Chev Ron: Your Highness .... We must make a diversion. Despite the
droids heroics repairs are required.
Xandaka: My Queen, I advise against this plan most strongly. He wishes
to divert to the server Tatooine, which is controlled by the Hutts.
The Hutts, as you well know, are ruled by one Robba ... that notorious
hoarder of Class One Shiny Things. If he learns of our presence I fear
he will steal our lightsabres.
Pamedala: I have a bad feeling about this.
Kenafi: Hey! That's my line.
Pamedala [pokes tongue]: Turnabout's fair play.
Chev Ron: We have nowhere else to go.
Pamedala: And the plot demands it ... Yeah, whatever.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Elsewhere ...
Censor 11: My Lord, Pamedala has escaped our blockade.
Darth Alston: Why must I be surrounded by fools? Get out of my sight!
[Censor 11 departs]
Censor 12: We think she has sought the assistance of the Senate and
the Jedi Council, my Lord. What do you wish us to do?
Darth Alston [contemptuously]: You? Nothing. I will deal with the
Senate and the Council. All I expect of pathetic extras like you is to
die in an appropriate (though non-gratuitous) manner after you fail
me.
Censor 12: Shall we continue our search for the Queen?
Darth Alston: By all means continue your pathetic attempts to capture
the Queen. In the meantime I shall send you my assistant, Darth Mol.
[Darth Mol walks into the picture and pauses, clearly impressed by his
own appearance. His whole demeanour says: "I'm cool and I *know* it.
All the other characters in this parody suck compared to me, and I
only get two lines. Worship me or be damned"]
Darth Mol: Someone bring me a mirror.
Darth Alston: Remember, failure, though expected, will not be
tolerated.
Censor 12 [shudders]: Yes, my Lord.
[Alston and Mol blank out]
Censor 12: Now there are two of them!
Censor 13: I thought we weren't allowed to count?
Censor 12: Only for this scene.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
End Part the Third
To be Continued.