Home > X Reports > Seventh Son of X Report
SON OF X REPORT in association with RAT IN A CAGE PUBLISHING presents
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U N
T H E O F F I C I A L S C R I P T B O O K
/\
To: Steve Dann <obsess@geocities.com>
From: Ken Finlayson <kaf03@uow.edu.au>
Hey Steve, do you have a plot for that movie of yours yet?
Ken
To: Ken Finlayson <kaf03@uow.edu.au>
From: Cows with Puns <obsess@geocities.com>
Plot? I don't even have a story yet.
Steve
._________________________________________________________________________.
| |
| UNDERFUNDED STUDIOS LTD. |
| PO Box 1013 |
| Brisbane QLD |
| Australia |
| |
| |
| |
| |
| Managing Directors |
| Big Penguin Productions |
| Hollywood, USA |
| |
| |
| |
| Dear Sirs, |
| |
| Please find enclosed one (1) plot synopsis for a movie. It is a |
| suitable star vehicle for the female lead of your choice. It covers all |
| the bases: it is a taut thriller involving the Internet and global |
| conspiracies, while maintaining romantic interest and comedic elements. |
| |
| Yours sincerely, |
| Stephen Dann and Ken Finlayson |
| |
| |
|_________________________________________________________________________|
._________________________________________________________________________.
| |
| FROM THE OFFICES OF BIG PENGUIN PRODUCTIONS |
| |
| Ars Gratia Piscis |
| |
| |
| |
| S. Dann and K. Finlayson |
| Underfunded Studios |
| PO BOX 1013 |
| Brisbane QLD |
| |
| |
| |
| Great! We'll take a dozen. |
| |
| |
| |
| |
| (signed) |
| Horatio L. Puddingmuncher |
| |
| |
|_________________________________________________________________________|
KEN: I can't write a screenplay.
ROBIN: The perfect qualifications. Sign here.
KEN: Uh, what?
$TEVE: Any schmuck can write a screenplay.
ROBIN: And every schmuck does.
$TEVE: It's easy -- it's just a three act play.
KEN: But no one writes three act plays any more -- they're so outdated.
Let's do something new.
$TEVE: Did I hear correctly? New ideas in a Hollywood blockbuster? Are
you crazy?
* * * *
$TEVE: The next part is development. Everyone here gives us any half-baked
idea they've come up with.
KEN: (catching on) And, in a group discussion and brainstorming session, we
refine this idea in a group discussion.
$TEVE: Why should we do that? No, the idea which best satisfies the Rule
of Three is the story we go with.
KEN: Rule of Three?
$TEVE: Explosions, comedy, romance. Any would-be-blockbuster has to meet
these three requirements. Just look at, oh...
ROBIN: James Bond.
$TEVE: James Bond. Perfect example. And a weakness in one of the fields must
be made up for by strength in the others.
ROBIN: So "Anaconda", having bugger all comedy or romance, had to have
astounding special effects in order to justify its existence.
KEN: But it didn't!
$TEVE: Exactly our point. That's why it did so poorly.
KEN: It didn't have anything to do with characters which were pure
cardboard?
$TEVE: *All* characters in Hollywood movies are cardboard. Look at
"Armageddon": characters so weak they could be summed up in one
line each on the advertising. But it romped home because it met the
Rule of Three.
ROBIN: Can we move on, guys? It's been two hundred words since the last
punchline.
* * * *
KEN: Here's a little something I knocked up earlier.
$TEVE: We'll knock it down later.
ROBIN: Or right now, even.
PLOT SYNOPSIS
LEITH WEBB, an ordinary geek falls foul of the nefarious plans of
RAY MARTIN, who is in league with the EVIL INTERNET PEOPLE. Forced
to flee for her life, she teams up with a MYSTERIOUS LONER who has
his own reasons to fight the machinations of the EIP.
While exploring a secret EIP base, LEITH is abducted by a pair of
SINGING MICE--
$TEVE: We're not having any of that!
--who want to read the Answer to the Ultimate Question from her
brain.
DOUGLAS
ADAMS: You'll be hearing from my lawyers in the morning.
The MICE are distracted when their lab is suddenly attacked by EL
CHUPPA-CABRA (played by Robin), giving LEITH the opportunity to
escape...
...only to be confronted by the SPICE GIRLS.
KEN: We're not having any of that!
$TEVE: Why not? They'd only be cast on merit. (writes) Memo: order one (1)
large comfy casting couch.
The GIRLS begin to summon their Satanic Master by singing the
Black Mass:
The Grand Old Duke of York,
He had ten thousand men,
He marched them up to the top of the hill,
And crushed all the nations of the world and brought them
under the rule--
TERRY PRATCHETT
AND NEIL GAIMAN: You'll be hearing from our lawyers in the morning.
And then there's a lot of explosions and stuff, and the movie
finishes.
KEN: I got a bit bored.
$TEVE: I'd never guess.
KEN: So, what do you think?
$TEVE: It needs a little work. Let's start with the basics.
ROBIN: Yeah, you didn't even cast $teve as the villain!
($TEVE glowers at Robin.)
$TEVE: The female lead is in love with her best friend's husband-to-be.
That's the romantic comedy element.
KEN: Right. And it just so happens that the best friend is an Illuminated
member of the EIP. So when she discovers what the lead is up to,
she erases all information relating to the lead, removing her
identity.
$TEVE: That shouldn't stretch Julia Roberts' abilities.
KEN: Unfortunately this throws the female lead together with the male lead,
so the best friend has them hunted down by the P.I.B. That's the
Net/thriller aspect.
$TEVE: Now, if only we can work in some explosions...
KEN: Ok, how about this? The EIP are in league with an alien race, the
Y-ists, who have redirected a comet towards Earth in order to launch
the Ray Martin Head. (That's why he left "A Current Affair").
$TEVE: Ray Martin stepped down from "A Current Affair"? See what happens
when I leave the country?
KEN: That covers the explosions/computer imagery/doomsday bases.
$TEVE: Right. So how were you planning to save Earth from the comet?
KEN: Err... the Giant Space Baby from "2001" drops in and is able to
divert it by singing "Baa Ram Ewe Comet"?
($TEVE gives KEN The Look)
Ahh... I know! The story changes halfway through: the female lead
is abducted by penguins and held captive in their secret underground
Antarctic base.
CHRIS
CARTER: You'll be hear--
KEN: On second thoughts, that idea's so crap no one'd want to use it a
second time.
* * * *
ATXF: The Movie
KEN: Boring. We need a better title.
$TEVE: Did you have anything in mind?
The Evil Internet People
$TEVE: Too lame.
TANman and RELbin
KEN: ...uh, forget I spoke.
The Movie with Singing Mice
$TEVE: NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!
NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!
KEN: All right, I was only joking.
The One with ATXF in it
KEN: Well, it worked for Friends.
LEITH: <clap clap clap clap>
ROBIN: Too derivative.
$TEVE: Too derivative? Hah ha hah ha! Have you *looked* at the plot synopsis?
* * * *
ATXF: THE MOVIE
Stephen Dann and Ken Finlayson
SCENE ONE
EXTERIOR. DAY. A MAN
MAN
Well, get on with it then. Hurry up and start the movie.
I can't hang about here all day, you know. It's not as if
there aren't other calls for my specialised talents --
Hanging Around At The Start Of Movies is a skill highly
in demand! There's plenty of people who'd appreciate my
years of training, and all you can do is --
OPENING SEQUENCE
$TEVE: We can't use that. Too surreal.
KEN: What's wrong with that?
$TEVE: People don't understand surrealism.
KEN: Says who?
$TEVE: Mr Nielsen Ratings.
KEN: And what's a Nielsen Rating when it's at home?
$TEVE: A people meter.
KEN: Nine out of ten arts students love surrealism!
$TEVE: What about the tenth student?
KEN: They're only in it for the Monet.
$TEVE: We're not doing it and that's that.
KEN: No, this is that, and that's what.
$TEVE: What's that you say?
KEN: That's right.
$TEVE: What?
KEN: Is that. That's what that is, it's what.
$TEVE: So, what is that?
KEN: That's right.
$TEVE: That's right and what?
KEN: No, what's that.
$TEVE: What is that?
KEN: That is correct.
$TEVE: Aaargh! Why'd you say that is what, then?
KEN: That *is* what.
$TEVE: That is what. Then what is that?
KEN: That's it.
ROBIN: Thank you, the poor man's Abbott and Costello.
* * * *
KEN: Singing Mice aside, $teve, maybe we should consider making a
children's movie with talking animals.
ROBIN: Bags not cleaning up after the auditions.
$TEVE: And compete against the Babe franchise? Are you mad?
KEN: I think we'll let my therapist answer that. Anyway, Babe is on
a downwards slide.
$TEVE: What makes you say that?
(KEN hastily dons gypsy costume and makes a few mystic passes over a
crystal ball.)
KEN: Cross my palm with silver, and I'll reveal all.
$TEVE: No thanks, I'd rather know the future.
KEN: The _Babe_ concept becomes successively more unpopular following
_Babe 2: Pig in the City_. An attempt is made to scale back with
_Babe 3: Pig in a Village_, with the last gasp of the franchise
being the Shakespearean _Babe 4: Pig in a Hamlet_.
$TEVE: You swine!
KEN: Critics condemn the violent scene where Babe, played by Kenneth
Brannagh, says "You can't make a Hamlet without breaking legs."
* * * *
$TEVE: I think we ought to cast the horse first, followed by the pig
and the talking lentils.
ROBIN: Shouldn't we audition the pig first? Otherwise we'd be casting
pulse before swine.
($TEVE and KEN look at Robin. Enter a horse.)
MR ED: I'm a talking horse.
KEN: That's no horse! It's a donkey!
$TEVE: You mean it's speaking out of its ass?
ROBIN: But it's so well dressed!
MR ED: That's because I'm a bespoke tail-horse.
(gunshot)
$TEVE: A horse that sick, it was the only thing to do.
KEN: A hearse is a hearse, of course, of course...
* * * *
$TEVE: (reading a freshly written scene) I don't think you've thought this
through properly, Ken. It's only scene twelve and Leith's surrounded
by EIP operatives, with no exits in sight. How's she going to get out
of this?
KEN: That's when she's saved by the intervention of the Whyte-keteers.
$TEVE: The Whyte-keteers?
* * * *
THE ROBERT WHYTE SONG
(to the tune of "The Mickey Mouse Song")
Who's the King of Trivia
When it comes to TV?
R - O - B - E - R - T
wuh - H - Y - T - E !
Hey, there! Hi, there! Ho, there!
No one knows as much as he!
R - O - B - E - R - T
wuh - H - Y - T - E !
Robert Whyte! Robert Whyte!
Robert Whyte! Robert Whyte!
Is there anything he doesn't know?
No! No! No!
Come along and sing a song
And join the jamboree!
R - O - B - E - R - T
wuh - H - Y - T - E !
* * * *
$TEVE: Riiiiight.
KEN: Don't look at me like that.
* * * *
Late one night, an anonymous ATXFer with nothing better to do seeks
psychological help. It had to happen sooner or later. This is his
transcript.
E: Hi! I'm Eliza. I am your personal therapy computer.
Please tell me your problem.
A: I'm addicted to ATXF.
E: Did you come to me because you are addicted to ATXF?
A: Yes, I did.
E: I'm not sure I understand you fully.
A: ATXF is an internet news group. It stands for aus.tv.x-files.
E: What does that suggest to you?
A: It doesn't suggest anything. It's an explanation.
E: I see.
A: Well, as I was saying, I'm addicted. I crave the company of
others solely for the purposes of adulation.
E: Can you elaborate on that?
A: I need people to feed my ego.
E: Say, do you have any psychological problems?
A: Isn't that one?
E: I'm not sure I understand you fully.
A: What kind of a psychologist are you?
E: Why do you ask?
A: Because I want you to help with my ego.
E: We were discussing you -- not me.
A: That's right. Everyone should discuss me.
E: What does that suggest to you?
A: My ego kicks ass!
E: What does that suggest to you?
A: It kicks!
E: I see.
A: You suck!
E: We were discussing you -- not me.
A: I kick. So does my ego.
E: Can you elaborate on that?
A: My ego kicks, it really kicks, it's the kickingest ego in the
whole wide world! Nyeah!
E: Say, do you have any psychological problems?
A: Only you, Ms Psychologist. I think you do not kick.
E: Oh, I do not kick?
A: Metaphorically.
E: I'm not sure I understand you fully.
A: It's only a metaphor that you do not kick. You may indeed be able
to perform the physical kicking motion, but otherwise you SUCK.
Bigtime.
E: You're not really talking about me, are you?
A: Are you trying to suggest I suck?
E: Why are you interested in whether or not I am trying to suggest
you suck?
A: Because I don't suck. I rock! I kick! I rule!
E: Don't you really suck? You rock? You kick? You rule?
A: I rule! You gotta problem with that?
E: We were discussing you -- not me.
A: <Cartman>Goddamn!</Cartman>
E: What does that suggest to you?
A: It's a quote, <Kyle>Dumbass</Kyle>.
E: I see.
A: <Kenny>Mmrmphmrmmrumph!</Kenny>
E: Can you elaborate on that?
A: Wait? Isn't that the sound of your brain shrinking?
E: Why are you concerned about my brain shrinking?
A: I don't know. Foolish, innit?
E: Why don't you know?
A: Who would know why *your* brain is important.
E: Why do you ask?
A: No idea. Like I said, it's not important.
E: Are you saying no just to be negative?
A: Your IQ is the only negative thing around here, buddy.
E: What about your own IQ?
A: What? You dare? I challenge you to a duel!
E: Oh, you challenge me to a duel?
A: That's right. Name your weapon.
E: Names don't interest me.
A: Right then. Draw your ingrid. Ten paces and fire!
E: Why are you concerned about my ingrid?
A: BANG! Too slow, sucker.
E: Say, do you have any psychological problems?
A: I think I can hear my Mummy calling me.
E: Do you really think so?
A: Oh, what's that she's saying? Time to kill?
E: I'm not sure I understand you fully.
A: No, I must... not... kill... again.
E: What does that suggest to you?
A: Agagaragagagagarrh!
E: I see.
A: (That was the sound of a man struggling with inner torments, BTW.)
E: Can you elaborate on that?
A: (Parenthetical comments don't need elaboration.)
E: Say, do you have any psychological problems?
A: Kill... kill... kill...
E: I'm not sure I understand you fully.
A: Oh, look, time to go. Goodbye.
E: Goodbye.
* * * *
SCENE FORTY SEVEN
EXTERIOR. NIGHT. A STREET PARADE.
COMMENTATOR 1
(VOICEOVER)
Just look at the crowd that's turned out for the 1121st
Grey and Thespian Mardi Gras. It's good to see David
Duchovny, TV's Fox Mulder, leading the parade on the 'Anal
Probe' float.
COMMENTATOR 2
(ALSO VOICEOVER)
And doesn't the diorama look magnificent, Richard? They've
got sequins everywhere, even in places I wouldn't have
thought possible.
COMMENTATOR 1
Never underestimate alien technology, Paul.
$TEVE: We can't use that!
KEN: Why not?
$TEVE: Well, I dunno, how about... it's got nothing to do with the plot!
KEN: Oh. (pause) How 'bout I write a scene set in Sydney--
$TEVE: I told you we're filming it on the Gold Coast. It's cheap and
they've already got film studios.
KEN: Sydney has film studios too!
ROBIN: Has anyone considered filming it in Melbourne?
(KEN and $TEVE laugh)
ROBIN: Right, that's done it! I'll set Jeff Kennett onto you!
$TEVE: Oooh, I am sooooo scared!
KEN: Actually, I *am* scared.
* * * *
THE SINGING MOUSE JOKE PAGE
by $teve
Q: What's the difference between a disaster and a tragedy?
A: If the Hoggett farm was wiped out by an asteroid, that would be a
disaster. If the Hoggett farm was wiped out by an asteroid, but the
Singing Mice survived, *that* would be a tragedy.
Q: What do you call three blind mice which can still sing?
A: Proof of God's cruelty.
Q: What's the best way to vaccinate Singing Mice against disease?
A: With a nail gun.
KEN: Dude! You've got to get this mouse thing sorted.
$TEVE: (holding a nail gun) Oh, I will, Ken, I will.
* * * *
$TEVE: Have we got everything?
KEN: I think so.
$TEVE: Read it back to me.
KEN: We've got the exploding stuff scene, the villain giving
away the plot scene, the --
$TEVE: Don't forget the gratuitous sex scene!
KEN: That'll be the first thing the censors cut.
$TEVE: Yes, but don't tell Tracey until after I've filmed it, okay?
* * * *
FROM THE CUTTING ROOM FLOOR
WE SEE $TEVE IN A FROCK AND CHEAP CURLY BLONDE WIG,
CLUTCHING AN OVERSIZED LOLLIPOP. HE IS...
$HIRLEY TEMPLE
On the go-oo-od ship A-T-X-F,
It's a sho-oo-rt trip to an irrelevant death
Where the QUOTEWARs play,
And I try to keep out of RachREL's way.
Tangential thoughts eve-ry-where,
Mu-ta-tothreads fill the air,
And here I am
Watching Trevor correct ungrammatical spam.
Why do I have a loll-i-pop?
My contract said clearly Chuppa-Chup.
This is the last straw,
I'm not going to sing anymore.
$TEVE: I feel dirty.
* * * *
KEN: Actually, that's not a bad idea. By making it a musical, we could
give this movie a knowing, post-modern ironic cult retro feel to
draw in the Gen X crowd.
$TEVE: Look, *I'm* supposed to be the marketing arm. (pause) What did you
have in mind?
* * * *
SCENE TWENTY THREE
FNORD. EXTERIOR. DAY.
WE SEE CHEVRON, TREVOR CALDER, /MATT, SCIBY AND STEVE TURTLE DRESSED
AS A BIKER, A G.I., A CONSTRUCTION WORKER, A COWBOY, AN INDIAN AND
A COP RESPECTIVELY.
ELECTRONIC VILLAGE PEOPLE
Young man, welcome to our land
I said, young man, just don't whinge about TAN
I said, young man, 'cause it'll never be banned
You don't like it, you just post more REL.
Young man, you can post a review
I said, young man, mutate a thread or two
You can stay here, and I'm sure you will find
It's a complete waste of time.
It's fun to post to A.T.X.F.
It's fun to post to A.T.X.F.
Post madly away
Once you've read the FAQ
You may leave, but you will be back.
It's fun to post to A.T.X.F.
It's fun to post to A.T.X.F.
You can make witty remarks
You may win an Award
You'll be confused, but you won't be bored.
$TEVE: No.
KEN: All right, how about...
ELECTRONIC VILLAGE PEOPLE
You can't fight the future,
Nobody can fight the future
$TEVE: No.
KEN: You're no fun any more.
* * * *
SCENE ONE HUNDRED AND TWO
EXTERIOR. DAY. THE "BUSH". TWO SECRET E.I.P. OPERATIVES ARE CHASING
THE HERO.
PENGUIN IN BLACK 1
Are you sure about this?
PENGUIN IN BLACK 2
Trust me! This man can track anything!
CHANNEL 7
No worries, mates, I'll find this woman, by crikey! Look!
Over there!
PENGUIN IN BLACK 2
What is it? Do you see her?
CHANNEL 7
It's a Loyal Buffy Audience! That's very rare!
THERE IS A SHOT OF A LOYAL BUFFY AUDIENCE (PLAYED BY DANNY)
LURKING IN THE BUSHES
CHANNEL 7
This creature can be very dangerous when surprised. So
what I'm gonna do is... I'm gonna sneak up on it and jam
my finger up its butt hole!
CHANNEL 7 DOES SO
CHANNEL 7
Man! It's really pissed off now! Aaaaargh!
CHANNEL SEVEN DISAPPEARS IN A CLOUD OF GRATUITOUS VIOLENCE.
DANNY STEPS IN FRONT OF THE ASTONISHED P.I.B.S AND SINGS
DANNY
Let's move the time slot... again!
It's just a shift of one night!
Now it's on Tuesday ni-ights.
But that shift wasn't right
So now it's on Monday ni-ights.
But it's the way it's done so slyly
That really drives you insay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ane!
Let's move the time slot... again!
* * * *
SCENE ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY SEVEN
EXTERIOR. DAY. DESERT.
CAMERA PANS ACROSS THE SMOULDERING WRECK OF THE SECRET EIP AERIAL
HEADQUARTERS. PULL BACK TO REVEAL LEITH STANDING ON THE RIDGE OF
AN OVERLOOKING DUNE. SHE IS LOOKING DOWN AT THE RUINS. BESIDE
HER IS THE MALE LEAD. FINAL SHOT IS OF THEIR PROFILES, SET AGAINST
THE CLOUDLESS BLUE SKY. LEITH IN THE FOREGROUND. WIND CATCHES AT
THEIR HAIR.
CAPTION:
THE END
* * * *
$TEVE: Actually, I've just had a much better idea for a movie.
KEN: Oh, good.
$TEVE: So I won't be needing you any more.
KEN: Oh. (exits)
ANNETTE: (Offstage) What are you doing, $teve?
$TEVE: Sending a forged Lust List to asb5 to see if *that* will get me
flamed.
ANNETTE: All right. So long as you're not trying to write ATXF: The Movie.
You know what would happen if you were...
$TEVE: <gulp>
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It was the night of the glitteringly fabulous, long-awaited Wollongong
Report Award Ceremony (the `Auscars.tv.x-files') and the author was
unaccountably in whiteface. ATXFers everywhere hoped he wasn't going to
mime, and Pratchett addicts hoped it didn't mean he was going to tell
unfunny jokes. Well, no unfunnier than usual.
"The first award of the night is the `KLINGON CLOAKING DEVICE' AWARD for the
category of Best Delurking Newbie [nominated by Danny]. And the winner is...
Demosthenes, for the post "Re: REL: Terms o' Endearment":
Jason Foo wrote in message ...
>On Wed, 24 Mar 1999, Brianna L wrote:
>
>> Hi all,
>>
>> Quiz: What is worse? Another 10 novelty eps or a return to the
lacklustre
>> form of S#5?
>>
>If this is the standard for upcoming episodes, then I'd go with more
>novelty episodes.
Same. Certainly seemed to lack some punch this week. Not up to the
same level as Drive which i felt had a lot more dramatic tension. I
must confess I missed the first ten minutes though and I suppose that
may have counted for something.
<snip of lots of plot holes you could drive a truck through>
>> -an ending that was just about invisible until about a minute
before the
>> ending. The best surprise endings are the ones which make you go,
"oh, I
>> should've *guessed*"...who was going to guess that one?! Altho; it
was cool
>> when the blue-eyed chick sat up in bed and grabbed hubby's face and
said
>> something like, "What do you think you're doing, *Wayne*?"
In retrospect, I think that was meant to be our hint that this was
some special chick and that wayne had his work cut out. Though it was
really obscure and i'd be the first to admit that it went straight
past me.
What really annoyed me was Mulder's "I'm not a psychologist" line
which Scully swallowed without a complaint. Does everyone on the XF
team have fucking alzheimers? For god's sake mulder did profiling of
serial killers in VCS and has a BA (psychology) from Oxford.
Throw the character bible out the window yet again ...
>>
>> LOL @
>> -Scully background checking the bearded guy! :)
>> -GARBAGE! I wonder about this. They're not on any of the s/tracks,
not to
>> mention that "I'm Only Happy When It Rains" is quite a few years
old now...
>>
Quite happy with the music choice ... garbage me all night long.
Demosthenes.
ps. hi <wave>. Just delurking to voice my annoyances for this week.
A tearful Demosthenes mounted the stage, causing ~teve to look on in
utter amazement.
"I'd like to thank my parents, and Mail.com, and Chris Carter, and David
Amman..."
* * * *
"...and TCP/IP, and a man I passed the other day on the street, and the
inventor of the swivel chair, and..."
* * * *
"...and the letters D, S and P; and the element beryllium, and--"
Sadly, Demosthenes' speech was cut short after only three hours by the
intervention of the author, who employed the now-hackneyed device of
having Demosthenes spontaneously combust at the same time as being
crushed by a falling Mir station, attacked by waterlogged elephants
and plunging to certain death as a trapdoor unexpectedly opened.
"Next, the `GENERAL FLIES BACK TO FRONT' AWARD for the category of Best
Interpretation Of An Ambiguous Sentence. And the winner is... Trevor
Calder! His remark in "Re: REL: Terms o' Endearment" was enough to
garner him the award.
A nice person called Demosthenes (who can be contacted at
demosthenes@cybergal.com) told all the world the following....
[editorial snipping]
>What really annoyed me was Mulder's "I'm not a psychologist" line
>which Scully swallowed without a complaint. Does everyone on the XF
>team have fucking alzheimers?
Is that different to ordinary Alzheimers?
A version that means you can't remember where you were last night?
* * * *
"The `DENIGRATE FRIENDS AND INFLUENCE PEOPLE' AWARD for the category of Wit.
And the winner is... $teve2, who wrote winningly in "Re: TAN: NatGat mascot":
Lynne wrote:
> A small furry $teve that doesn't shut up? Does the world really need
> another?
We've got one. It's called Robin.
* * * *
"The `WORKIN' NINE TO FIVE' AWARD for the category of Most Desperate Attempt
To Pass Off Time Spent On ATXF As Productivity. And the winner is... Rachael
Bahl! Her bravura performance in "Re: (TAN) Re: ABN, are you dead yet? (Was:
Re: terms of endearment)" easily earned her the award.
WOW - discussion of *international* library practice!!!
Do you think I could claim this is *work*???
Rachael.
* * * *
"The `SHORT AND TO THE POINT' AWARD for the Best One Line Comment. And the
winner is... Adam Fitzpatrick! Unfortunately the reclusive ajf was too busy
planning his revolutionary aircraft, the Spruce Bruce, to accept his award.
When he did have spare time, he wrote this in "Re: Aussie ep rumours???":
rachael_bahl@hotmail.com wrote:
>Has anyone heard the rumours that there was to be an ep set in Australia
>this season?
Umm, Rachael ... that was Baywatch.
* * * *
"The `LET'S TWIST AGAIN' for the category of Most Innovative Suggestion For
An X Files Plot. And the winner is... Daniel Frankham! His post "Re: TAN: Re:
Aussie ep rumours???" contained the winnning suggestion:
On Sun, 28 Mar 1999 07:50:21 GMT, Dion Mikkelsen wrote:
>On Sat, 27 Mar 1999 06:27:27 GMT, rachael_bahl@hotmail.com wrote, with
>the use of a cucumber dipped in blackberry sauce:
>
>>
>>
>>Has anyone heard the rumours that there was to be an ep set in Australia
>>this season?
>>
>>Anyone know any details?
>
>Hehehe. Could be interesting some of the plots ... I vote for
>something along the lines of babies going missing in outback
>Australia, Mulder thinks it's due to abductions, Scully finds evidence
>in police files about a story from a while back involving a dingo ...
>
>Sorry, bad taste I know ;-)
Perhaps they could do a twist on that old story...
MULDER: A baybee took maiy dingow.
* * * *
"The `RELEVANCY WILL BE AWARDED' AWARD for Most RELevant Post To ATXF has
two winners this week! The first winner is... Heath Smith! Heath, cunningly
disguised as Graeme, posted the acclaimed [by Danny] review of `Terms of
Endearment', entitled ""Groovy!" Terms of Endearment *spoilers*":
Well, I expected that to be crap, and I quite liked it, so there you go.
Not a bad first script from first time writer, um... (checking) David
Amann. I liked the blatantly shlocky special effects, and the moody,
horror film direction. Good stuff. Somehow it seemed to 'work'.
And 'Ash' from Evil Dead! Yay! :)
good stuff:
* Bruce Campbell was excellent, and Duchovny seemed to be enjoying
himself for once.
* it was fun, and made me smile a lot.
* not to be taken too seriously, the idea was nice.
* the special effects were good with the demon
* direction was very nice.
bad stuff:
* too slow, once again. defiantely needed a kick up the ass in parts.
* the actress that played Ash's, I mean Wayne's wife was terrible and on
screen too much for her crap acting abilities.
* it just didn't have that *spark* that it could have had, partly I
think 'cause the lines were a bit uninspiring (although the story was
good), but the direction was top notch.
* Mark Snow's music could have shut the hell up a few times. Sometimes
his constant piano is great, but it was really making this drag when
that wife was on screen. *yawn*. I think a lot of the season 1 eps
weren't all -that- great compared to nowaways, but they didn't suffer
from Mark Snow's constant piano. CC used to make him just to
'atmospherics' back then, and much sparser than these days. Sometime's
he just gotta give those tinkling ivories a rest.
I give it a 7.1/10. Better than last week, anyway. And extra points just
for being a 'normal' x-file, instead of these crappy parodies we've been
getting lately.
* * * *
"The second winner of a `RELEVANCY WILL BE AWARDED' AWARD is... Brianna!
Brianna, cunningly disguised as herself, posted the much lauded [by Danny]
review, "REL: Terms o' Endearment":
Quiz: What is worse? Another 10 novelty eps or a return to the lacklustre
form of S#5?
Was it *that* bad? Let's see, we had
-Mulder the trash hound (does he *really* resort to reading Spender's
trash? And then taping the damn thing back together?!!)
-Mulder running around doing his usual "this is a classic case of..."
based on hunches and not much else, with Scully back at home somewhere
doing the menial jobs going, "mmm-hmm"
-super makeup perfect American women (actually that pisses me off on all
shows)
-an ending that was just about invisible until about a minute before the
ending. The best surprise endings are the ones which make you go, "oh, I
should've *guessed*"...who was going to guess that one?! Altho; it was
cool when the blue-eyed chick sat up in bed and grabbed hubby's face and
said something like, "What do you think you're doing, *Wayne*?"
LOL @
-Scully background checking the bearded guy! :)
-GARBAGE! I wonder about this. They're not on any of the s/tracks, not to
mention that "I'm Only Happy When It Rains" is quite a few years old now...
* * * *
"The `I'M GETTING A DISTURBING IMAGE' AWARD for the Remark Most Likely To
Cause Brian Harradine To Shut Down The Internet. And the winner is...
Stephen Turtle, and his post "Re: CELEBS: PAM LEE AND BRETT SEX VIDEO":
Not long ago the following text was issued by someone using the account of
Danny:
>PAMELA!!! I'm shocked!!! Just who is Brett?
>Poor Michael.
>
Why worry about Michael?
Someone had to hold the camera!
&teve.
* * * *
"The `SECRETS MAN WAS NOT MEANT TO KNOW' AWARD for the category of Too Much
Information. And the winner is... Annette Fraser! Her post "Re: TAN: NatGat
mascot" caused Creepy's brain to unexpectedly shut down. How could I not
give her an award?
In article <3704ddcd.9992374@news.uq.edu.au>,
5dtv@ucaqld.com.au (Robert Whyte) wrote:
>On 31 Mar 99 04:44:07 GMT, kaf03@uow.edu.au (Kenneth Alexander
>Finlayson) wrote:
>
>> merlynne@ozemail.com.au.nospam (Lynne) writes:
>
>>> As $teve has volunteered to be the Official NatGat Mascot, does this
>>> mean we can get him stuffed?
>
>> Lynne: I want to stuff him.
>> Ken: I can tell.
>
>Lynne: I want to mount him on a wall...
>
Been there, done that ;-)
"And that concludes the Seventh Son of X Report Award Ceremony."