Home > X Reports > The Fourth Adelaide Report
ATXF Productions
in association with
PissWeak Pictures Inc.
Present
The Sister in Law of All Sequels...
========================================================================
In every generation there is a chosen one. She alone will stand
against the vampires, the demons, and the forces of darkness. She is
the Slayer.
Dark. Black. You can't see anything. Nada. Zip. Except that little
flicker of light in the top left of the screen. It bobs and sways.
Suddenly, the back of the person's jacket that has been focused on moves
out of shot, to be replaced by the aforesaid person's head, squashed
against the glass. It is a vampiric face, belonging to Marcus Lee. His
head is pulled back a little, but his body does not follow. Probably
because someone is standing on his back. A pair of stilletoed feet come
down either side of his head and start kicking it from side to side but
the head can not escape as it is still being held by the hair - which
means that this vampire's assailant is bending over, holding his hair in
one hand, and kicking his head side to side with her feet. You could
swear you could hear the cameraman muttering under his breath that he
should have filmed this from the *opposite* angle, from behind.
Suddenly, the vampire Marcus regains his strength and throws his
assailant forward, over the camera view.
Cameraman (Trevor Calder): Ouch! Hey, Nice B...
A loud thump is heard, and the camera goes fizzy.
This second cameraman decides to play it safe and views the whole scene
from a distance. Muffy, for that is who the assailant is, stands up and
faces Marcus.
Muffy: We can do this the easy way, or the hard way. Your choice.
Marcus: Hmm, what does the easy way entail?
Muffy: I kill you now.
Marcus: Ah-huh. And the hard way?
Muffy: I kill you, just a little later.
Marcus: Oh. Well, maybe we'll go for the hard way.
Muffy begins her advance, but is attacked from behind by Andy
Soetedja, another Vampire. He grabs her around the waist. She counters
the tackle by going forward on her hands and flipping Andy up and over
until he falls flat on his face. She remains in a hand stand. The
Vampires stand up and stare, but do not attack.
Muffy: Hmm, maybe I shouldn't have worn a mini skirt. Trousers would
have been more practical.
She flips right side up and looks at the two Asian Vampires.
Muffy: Oh, I forgot. Happy new year.
Marcus: Huh?
Andy: I think she must mean Chinese New Year.
Marcus: But that was weeks ago! And I'm not even Chinese. But thanks
nonetheless.
Muffy advances on the two of them and attempts a high kick to Andy's
face. He dodges and she loses her balance and lands on her hands, but
continues to flip and kicks Marcus in the face. He growls. She swings
around with a roundhouse kick and gets Andy in the stomach. He growls
too. They are now standing either side of her, edging around in a
circle. She swivels her head side to side, watching both of them.
Quickly, from hip holsters, she pulls out two wooden stakes and twirls
them around in her hand, as if she was a fourth amigo. Muffy launches
the stakes at high speed in opposite direction, one towards each of the
Vampires. Andy knocks away the stake coming towards him in disgust.
Marcus catches the one heading in his direction.
Marcus: Come on, Slayer. Get real. You know that a simple stake can't
kill an Asian Vampire.
Muffy: Well what can I use?
Andy: There's this certain type of root...
Muffy: No jokes about *that*, please.
Marcus: Or there's the tried and tested decapitation...
Muffy: Well why didn't you say so?
Muffy hollers "Aiiaiiaiiaiiaiiaii" in a ululating fashion at high
pitch, and brings out what looks like a metallic frisbee from her belt.
She launches this directly at the camera! It rebounds off the glass,
leaving a scratch and then curves around, seemingly passing through both
of the vampires. It flies back into her ready hand, and she stand akimbo
with hands on hips and smiles evilly.
Andy: What was that supposed to be?
Marcus: Uh, Andy. Feel your neck.
Andy gingerly raises a hand to his neck and feels the cut, seeping
now with fresh blood.
Andy: Ahh, yes I can see now what you did. Decapitation, that
should do it.
Marcus nods, and his head falls off. Both he and Andy turn to dust.
========================================================================
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.-~`|:-`~|: :|~ :|~
:|< '|>' |> .. . .||. .||. . .
|><..||.. |> || `|~ `||` `||` -||>~|
:||><~~||~ |> <| | |> || <| |
`>< '|>' |> <| | |> || <| >
~| :||. ||. <| >|. || ||.. <|:~
:<|:~ `~ ~~ '~` ~~ `~~ ``~ ~`
`` | .
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MUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"THE UMPIRE STAKES BACK"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The 4th Adelaide Report
Starring
Tracey "Naive" Beaton as Muffy
Robin ale-Xander Harris-on as Zander
Melanie "missy" King as Hillow
Ngaire "Frank" Mayo as Cordialia
Matt "EBE" Sims as Angle
with
~teve Turtle as Piles
Also Starring
Vanessa Meachen as Penny Colander
$teve Dann as Stake
Annette Fraser as Drukilla
Extra Special Guest Star (One Night Only!)
Paul McDermott as Daaz
(Now that you know who's playing Muffy, don't you want to read the
introduction again?)
[Extra Note. This spoils all episodes up to "Bewitched, Bothered
and Bewildered". The majority of this was written before "Passion"
aired, and thus the events of that episode aren't counted. All you
guys in Sydney and Brisbane who *have* seen further than this, I
have no idea what happens next and if you tell me I shall... let's
just say it won't be pleasant. It probably involves a maze of 14'
interlocking cubes, and a sushi machine... ]
========================================================================
Muffy surveys the dust piles around her, and relaxes her guard. She
is satisfied with what she'd done here tonight. Zander slowly creeps out
of the shadows.
Zander: Gee, Muffy, that was a breastaking performance.
Muffy: What was that?
Zander: Breathtaking. Isn't that what I said?
Muffy: Why are you here? You're lucky they didn't spot you.
Zander: Oh, sorry. Right. Piles said he's got something to tell you.
Muffy: Did he have his good face or bad face on?
Zander: He has more than one face? Does he keep one in the jar by the
door?
Muffy: No more quoting. Answer me please, Zander.
Zander: I think it was probably the bad face.
Muffy: Well give me a minute, I'll be there soon.
Zander leaves at a medium jog, towards the school. Muffy attempts to
straighten out her skirt, top, and hair. Then there is a voice from the
shadows...
Angle: (mocking applause - clap, clap clap) Well done! I'm
impressed. Good fighting honey.
Muffy turns around and glares at Angle. She is obviously not pleased
to see him, and a little scared.
Muffy: What do you want?
Angle: I just thought I should tell you not to exert yourself.
You'll need that energy for tonight.
Muffy: Tonight? What's tonight? You aren't going to kill me, are
you?
Angle: Oh maybe. But you got that special thing with Stake. Maybe
you should ask that watcher of yours about it.
Muffy: What? Stake? I haven't got anything with him, except that we
both want to kill each other. What do you mean?
But Angle is gone...
Muffy: Damn.
========================================================================
The Library. Our Gang is gathered around. Zander is asleep with his
head on the table. Hillow and Penny Colander and sitting behind
computer monitors chatting on IRC. Cordialia sits next to Zander and
uses his back as a place to rest her compact mirror while she re-does
her eye makeup. Muffy strides in.
Muffy: So Piles, what's the hap?
Piles: I'm sorry, what's the what?
Muffy: (slowly) What is hap-pen-ing? Zander mentioned something
about your bad face and Angle seems to think something
special is on tonight...
Piles: Ah yes. That. Seems there's another prophecy due to come
true. I had the passage marked here somewhere.
Piles searches through his books scattered on the library table. He
finds the one he's looking for, which Zander is using as a pillow. He
pulls it out and Zander's head hits the table with a thump.
Zander: Wha?
Piles: Ahh here we are. "And verily, as the new age arrives, so
shall arise a New Order of the World, and at the time when
the moon is new, the year is new, and the season is new
(although somewhat pathetic), then there shall be a battle
between the Slayer and the Vampire master, and the victor
shall be the Champion of the World, and all Federations
thereof." Rather obtuse, if I do say so myself.
Muffy: So what makes you think it's tonight?
Piles: Well all the signs fit. It's a new moon, it's 1999 - almost
the New age, it's only March so the year is fairly new, the
New season of the X-Files has begun, which also fits the
"pathetic" part of the prophecy, but mainly I think it's
tonight because Drukilla dropped around earlier and gave me
the address of the, um, place where it's supposed to happen.
Muffy: Great, and I have to do this because I'm the Slayer. What
will you guys do?
Piles: Well, I'm your Watcher.
Zander: And I'm your leerer. <slap> Ow!
Muffy: Hmm, so how long do I have?
Hillow: Well, there's probably enough time for me to say something.
Penny: And me, I hope.
Cordialia: And I'd like to get my voice heard too.
Zander: Yeah, that's no surprise.
Cordialia: Hey!
Piles: Well there could be time to get everyone up to speed.
Zander: If the bus goes below.... Oh sorry.
Piles: Remember last time? The Gathering? That horrific so-called
"X-Report" Award ceremony?
Muffy: No
Zander: No
Hillow: No
Cordialia: No
Penny: No
Muffy: No
Zander: No
Hillow: No
Cordialia: No
Penny: No
Chief Wiggum: Yes, I mean No.
Piles: What about the Master being killed by staking, holy water,
fire and decapitation?
Zander: Oh yeah, that. I've still got a few scars from the stitches
where they reattached my head.
All: WHAT?
Zander: Well my actor, Robin, played the Master last time.
Piles: Hmm yes, my actor was different last time too. I think all
our actors have changed.
Muffy: Well that might explain why we don't remember it.
Hillow: That or it was far too icky to remember.
Cordialia: Or far too pathetic.
We interrupt this program for a newsgroup announcement. Should you
wish to read The 1st Adelaide Report - Muffy The Vampire Slayer, it
can be found at http://welcome.to/atxf or by emailing the author of
this report. Thankyou.
Piles: Well since then, a lot has happened.
Hillow: Like Season two of the show.
Piles: Quite. Such as all these romances we've had.
Muffy: I'll cover this Piles. First is me and Angle. Last year I
found out he was an Alien, I mean Vampire. We grew to love
one another, and then I had s... er...
Hillow: You made him happy.
Muffy: Yeah, that. (Damn PG rating), and then he turned bad! He
started being a bloodsucker again.
Zander: Huh, Men! Once they have you, they up and leave! They're all
bastards!
They all look at him
Zander: What? Someone had to say it. And you didn't, Cordy.
Muffy: Which brings us to relationship number two. The icky one.
Cordialia: What, just because I chose to go out with the lamest guy in
school?
Zander: Hey!
Muffy: Actually, I was referring to the weirdness that he would
choose a stuckup moron like you!
Cordialia: But he's a great kisser.
Cordialia draws Zander in for a passionate kiss.
Muffy: (surprised) He is? Hey, let me have a try!
Zander: (liplock'd with Cordialia) Mmmf mmmmf mmmf mmm-mmf!
Hillow: Sick dude! ahahahaha.
Muffy: And then there's Piles and Ms. Colander.
Penny: Call me Penny.
Piles: Yes, Penny and I. But our romance is slightly different, what
with me being a librarian and you being a um, what was it?
Penny: A Technopagan.
Piles: Yes, that's it.
Penny: Not that I *like* techno music.
Piles: Can't stand it myself. Call that music?
Penny: I didn't say I *disliked* it either. Except when my neighbour
plays it loud. Maybe I should curse him. No, the techno bit
has to do with computers.
Piles: Frightful things.
Penny: More frightful that those demons you conjured up in your
past, Rupert?
Piles: Umm, err, yes. Quite.
Muffy: Quiet! And last, but definitely not least, we have...
Hillow: (excitedly) Me. And Daaz. He's famous you know, and in a
band!
Daaz: Hi!
Hillow: Ssh now Daaz. We have to pay you thousands of dollars for
every word you say. Being famous and all...
Daaz: Bu....
Hillow: Ssh!
Daaz: Ye....
Hillow Ssh!
Daaz: Ca....
Hillow: Ssh!
Daaz: Pl....
Hillow: Ssh! There was a young man named Ssh!. Ssh! That was a
preemptive Ssh to let you know there's a lot more Ssh where
that came from.
Daaz sulks and does his puppy dog eyes.
Cordialia: Do the meerkat! Do the meerkat!
Hillow: Speaking of those eyes, Seeing as none of us seem to be going
out with humans...
Muffy nods sadly, but the others react....
Piles: Hey!
Penny: Hey!
Cordialia: Hey!
They all look at Zander. Cordialia hits him.
Zander: Oh sorry. Hey!
Hillow: ... Daaz sort of goes through some weird changes too.
Zander: Like from ABC to Channel Ten?
Hillow: He's a Weredog.
Zander: Huh?
Hillow: We couldn't afford a animal trainer to look after a wolf.
Now Daaz, roll over and play dead, and maybe you'll get a
Scooby Snack! Good boy!
Daaz barks, rolls over and falls asleep.
Piles: Well that about covers it.
Muffy: What about the fact that now the Master is dead, our new
enemies are Stake and Drukilla?
Piles: Ok. So maybe I forgot them.
Muffy: How could you? After all, I have to fight Stake tonight,
remember?
Zander: Which would be right about.... now.
========================================================================
Music starts playing. It's the sort of music you'd expect as a sound-
track for a war movie, perhaps. You know stirring, exciting, lots of
bass drums, and stuff like that. It culminates into a fanfare climax and
the camera zooms in to a Commentary box where Rob Whyte and Ken
Finlayson are sitting, dressed in black suits, white shirts, black ties
and white teeth.
Rob: (loud American voice) Hi! And Welcome to downtown ATXF,
Sunnyhell, where tonight we will witness...
Ken: ...the most prophesied fight of the millennium!
Rob: So, like next year we'll need a new prediction?
Ken: Sorry to be pedantic, no actually I'm not sorry - but the new
millennium doesn't start until 2001.
Rob: Chris Carter's working with Stanley Kubrick? Anyway, it just
depends on what calendar you use, I suppose. I'm not going to
bug you about the millennium anymore.
Ken: Nice word play there Rob!
Rob: Where?
Ken: You know, bug... millennium... Oh forget it. Once again
welcome! We're your hosts...
Rob: I'm Robert "Pearly" Whyte...
Rob's teeth go *ting*.
Ken: ...and I'm "The Late" Ken Finlayson.
Rob: Tonight you will be watching...
The fanfare plays again, really loud.
Rob: The WORLD SLAYING FEDERATION CCCCCHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMM-
PPPPPPPPPPPPPPIIIIIIIIOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHH-
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIP!
Tremendous applause is heard.
Ken: And tonight we'll witness the fight to end all fights, a
grudge match to the extreme...
Rob: And the bounciest thing not on a pogo stick...
Ken: Yes it's MUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER
Thunderous applause and cheering by Muffy's few supporters...
Ken: Versus "William the Bloody" better known as STONE COLD STAKE!
Thunderous applause and cheering by Stake's minions of the night.
Rob: Well you'd be stone cold too if you'd been dead for a hundred
years! And as we can see now Ken, the two contestants are in
the ring.
Muffy is sitting in her corner on a stool. She is dressing denim
shorts and a pale blue crop top with her hair tied back in a pony tail.
She sits listening to Piles who is giving her a pep talk. Zander is
giving Muffy a shoulder massage and Hillow stands nearby with a towel
and glass of water. Behind them on the audience benches are Penny,
Cordialia and Daaz.
We cross to the other side of the ring. Stake is not seated, he is
standing, quietly psyching himself up. He's dressed in his standard
attire - black jeans, black cotton shirt and HEAVY black boots. He's
removed his coat though, it's hard to fight in. He looks as a human
would, although a stressed human. Drukilla is nearby in the ring, using
that peculiar way she does to calm Stake down. Gotta love that accent!
Angle is amongst Stake's supported in the stands behind him.
Ken: We cross now to the ring to our wonderful Umpire, the
nastiest quokka this side of Rottnest Island, Pamela Lee!
Camera goes to the ring.
Pamela: Thanks Rob and Ken. Now come here you two.
Muffy and Stake both approach Pamela in the centre of the ring. Muffy
fixes Stake with a glare and a smirk, and Stake assumes his vampiric
face and bares his teeth and snarls at Muffy.
Pamela: Now I want a good, clean fight. Not too much blood, because
it's such a pain to get out of my white shirt. Not too much
dust if you stake him, I get hayfever. No fire, No crosses,
No blades, No holy water, and *definitely* no guns!
Muffy is unfazed by any of this, but Stake swears under his breath
and pulls out a pistol from his belt and hands it to Drukilla.
Pamela: I want it over soon, nice and quick. The author's getting
sore fingers. And I want a black t-shirt with "She is Me" on
it, you got that?
Both nod, whilst still glaring at each other.
Pamela: Right, Good. Let's get ready to.... RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMBBBBBBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!
Back to the commentary box.
Ken: Well it's definitely all happening here tonight! Muffy and
Stake haven't attacked each other yet but are just slowly
circling around the ring. Looks like this could go on for a
while.
Rob: Both of them have an impressive set of claws, I might add.
Now, my dear viewer, you might be interested to know that
this fight was predicted by the prophet Nostradamus
Fitzpatrick over 700 years ago! Impressive, huh?
Ken: Speaking of prophecies, and as we mentioned earlier, the new
millennium...
Rob: Whenever it is...
Ken: Who do you think will be the 21st Century's prophet? What
sort of prophet would you like?
Rob: Well any sort of profit's fine by me, as long as my bank
account stays in the black. Ok, so it was a bad joke. Sue me.
The important thing is that we won't ever have to listen to
that damn Prince song ever aga.. WHOA!
Ken: Yes that's right, the fight has begun! We just saw Stake rush
in to the centre of the ring towards Muffy, only to be
flipped over her head and land flat on his back!
Rob: Now she's turned around and has sat half on his chest, half
on his face! He must be enjoying that!
Ken: Well, apart from the fact his head's being repeatedly bashed
against the ground...
Rob: Oh yeah, good point. Maybe he isn't enjoying it.
Ken: But Now, Stake has sent Muffy sprawling! He's up again, and
creeping up on the slowly recovering Slayer from behind. But
she's, um, kicking....
Rob: OUCH! That's gotta hurt! I don't think any man could survive
that sort of blow, alive or dead. Especially with stilettos!
Ken: Now Stake has retreated into a corner, attempting to get his
breath, and presumably his testicles back.
Rob: Muffy is smiling evilly, and what... No she can't be! That's
so cruel to man who's just been kicked in the balls! She's
undressing!
Ken: I can't look!
Rob: I can. Oh don't be afraid Ken, she's wearing undergarments.
Some sort of black lycra material bikini and shorts set....
Ken: With writing? Good to see she's getting into the spirit of
things! That's right folks, the set is labeled NWO for the
NEW WORLD ORDER!!!!!!!!!!!
Rob: Or it could spell "NO" or "NOW" if you read horizontally.....
Ken: Well it looks like Stake's back on his feet, and read to
attack, but..
Rob: No Muffy's too fast once again! Stake has now received
several kicks to the face, and a few to the chest too! He's
down on his back again!
Ken: Muffy, for some strange reason is leaving him alone, and
returning to her corner. I wonder why?
Rob: And Stake's back on his feet and advancing towards her...
Ken: But Muffy's smashed her stool and managed to get a half
decent stake from it! She let's it fly
Rob: But no, Stake's too fast and has caught it.
Ken: Looks like this could go on for a while.
Rob: And Danny's running out of ideas quick. Let's go to a
commercial break, and then we might be able to watch the
awards on the other channel.
<*click*>
Danny: Hello and welcome to the 1999 Grammy Awards!
Chris Sloan, with Stage Manager's head phones on creeps across the
stage and whispers in Danny's ear.
Danny: Oh... Uh-huh. Hmmm. Well folks, I'm sorry but it appears this
is not the Grammys after all, but something called the...
what?
Chris whispers again.
Danny: X-Report? Or something. Got to give out these things called
X-Awards. (To Chris) Do we have any trophies or prizes for
these awards?
Chris breaks into raucous laughter and walks off stage in hysterics
Danny: Certificates?.... A rubber stamp on the back of the hand?
There is a loud, offstage guffaw.
Danny: Erhem. Yes. Well, anyway, let's begin...
========================================================================
First up, is the "Gratuitous Monty Python Reference Award" presented to
Annette Fraser, for her post entitled "REL: My take on Dreamland"
%%%
Ok, I know its late but I've just got back to net access.
My only comment on Dreamland is that, when Scully said "This is an
*X*-File" I
couldn't resist saying "And if you hadn't nailed it to the perch, it'd be
pushing up the daisies" :-).
Cheers
Annette
%%%
Next is the "Quote of the Weak Award" for Ken Finlayson, for explaining
what was meant by Chris Carter's "Quote of the Week"
%%%
davemarg@inf.net.au (David L. Hardie) writes:
>On 7 Mar 1999 02:18:32 GMT, Adam James Fitzpatrick
><afitzpat@ug.cs.su.oz.au> wrote:
>>"As a storyteller, I want to know where I'm heading."
>>- Chris Carter.
>I get the feeling that CC has no idea where the UFO conspiricy is
>heading. I find the quote itself incredible.
I find the quote eminently believable. CC wants to know where he's
heading, but sadly, no one will tell him.
Ken
%%%
Marcus then seized *this* opportunity which wins him the
"Quote of Preying on the Weak" Award (nominated by Danny and ajf):
%%%
On 11 Mar 99 03:15:20 GMT, kaf03@uow.edu.au (Kenneth Alexander
Finlayson) wrote:
<snip>
>I find the quote eminently believable. CC wants to know where he's
>heading, but sadly, no one will tell him.
...err...I could tell him where to go, but I doubt he will listen;-)
Marcus
%%%
Ang wins the "It does *not* make Sense! Award" for her reply in the thread
"Dreamland 2 - Perth, read later!"
%%%
Gail Pamphilon wrote in message <36f05da5.1205438@news.melbpc.org.au>...
>Well, what a *** copout. :-( Is anyone else as annoyed as I am? Can't
>say I am really surprised, but I am quite cross. Is this 'it never
>happened' game sheer laziness, or simply that the writers couldn't
>think of any other method to resolve the situation? Or perhaps they
>watched the episode of Star Trek: TNG in which Data had sex with
>what's-her-name, the fake blonde, and decided to copy their plot
>device? Or perhaps they watched that episode of Voyager with a similar
>outcome due to a time warp? Oooh, I'm such a cynic. <sings> Let's do
>the time warp againnnnn...
>
[snip]
Well, I'm using the 'Chewbacca Defence to explain it all to myself so I
can
just ...... let it go ;-)
Ang
%%%
Adam Fitzpatrick wins the "It does make sense, you know" Award for his
somewhat flawless explanation of the happenings of "Dreamland Part 2 (SPOILERS)"
Then again, maybe he's just making excuses for the crappy writing.
%%%
Trevor Calder wrote:
>A nice person called Gail Pamphilon (who can be contacted at
>gail@no-junk.melbpc.org.au) told all the world the following....
>>Quoth trevorREMOVE@THISiinet.net.au (Trevor Calder):
>>>That says that _all_ the effects are negated - so Mulder's apartment
>>>should have gone back to grungy, the coins should have seperated, etc
>>I thought the station and its proprietor went back to normal because
>>they were in the warp zone. Mulder's place and the coin didn't because
>>they were too far away. But I don't know how this would affect AD
>>Kersh and the Fletcher family. How close was the Fletcher home to the
>>warp zone?
>Who knows? I've been thinking it over it a bit and come to the
>conclusion that there is no internally consistent explanation
>which fits with everything.
Hmm... when the warp field reversion thingy happened, time was
"rewound".
* Everything inside the field was put back how it was before the first
incident.
* Everything that was never inside the field was put back how it was
before the first incident.
* Everything that was in the field when an incident happened and was
outside the field when the reversion happened was pulled back in time
but left in its altered form.
This explains everyone at Area 51 being put back to normal, Scully not
being fired any more, and the coin and Mulder's apartment.
Any problems left there?
--
Adam Fitzpatrick
%%%
Daniel Frankham wins the "Lacoonic Humour Award" (nominated by Ken) for this
post... in "TAN: Fwd: WARNING!! BEWARE GREEKS BEARING GIFTS!"
%%%
On a related note, if someone sends you an email with an attached file
called medusa.jpg, DO NOT LOOK AT THE PICTURE! DELETE IT FROM YOUR
HARD DRIVE IMMEDIATELY! IT WILL MAKE YOUR COMPUTER FREEZE UP FOREVER,
SO YOU MIGHT AS WELL HAVE A BIG ROCK OR A PC RUNNING WINDOWS ON YOUR
DESK!
Oh, and beware the Ides of March virus. Every March 15 it makes your
computer side with your political enemies and stab you in the back.
Not a problem for most people, but if you ever upgrade to a computer
with hands you really want to be sure you don't have it.
%%%
Ken wins the "Would you like to have Fun? Fun? Fun?" Award for questioning
the motives of our favourite lackey...
%%%
~Subject: REL: Spender - what's in it for him?
WANTED: MOTIVATION FOR JEFFERY SPENDER
Why did Spender agree to work on the X Files? He's said he wanted to
earn a reputation, not be given one; so why does he run the risk of
becoming 'Spooky' Spender?
We know what he's there for: to keep Mulder from getting to the truth.
And though we can guess what sort of deal he's made with Dad, does
anyone think Spender would accept the trade offs?
He doesn't believe in 'paranormal mumbo-jumbo', so he can hardly have
accepted the job in order to learn the truth about UFOs and aliens.
Power seems more likely, but what sort of power can he wield from the
basement?
Does Spender hate Mulder so much that he'd do anything to get up his
nose? Or did CSM make him an offer he couldn't refuse: keep Mulder
out of the truth and Mum will come back?
Ken
%%%
Chris Sloan wins the "Mulder's Sabbatical" Award (a pair of pointy ears)
for this comment in the post entitled "REL: Raving about Dreamland I and II"
%%%
<editorial snippage by X-Report writer>
Isn't it interesting that Mulder dresses up as the Star trek guy who
only gets his end away once every 7 years?
<editorial snippage by X-Report writer>
%%%
The "Royal Flush" Award goes to Robin Harrison (nominated by ajf)
for this post, in "Musing on Roles in Triangle":
%%%
Adam James Fitzpatrick <afitzpat@mail.usyd.edu.au> wrote:
>Kenneth Alexander Finlayson <kaf03@uow.edu.au> wrote:
<editorial snip by X-Report writer>
>
>>I agree. But do you really think Chris Carter will be able to resist
>>playing the Obvious Card?
>
>I'm not sure how many of those there are in a standard deck, but I'm
>hoping he's running out...
Well...he's definitly not playing with a full deck anymore! :(
%%%
The recently returned Sciby wins the "Daylight Saving? I couldn't be..."
Award (nominated by ajf) for his post in the thread "Oh where, oh where
have my Perth philes gone"
%%%
Around about Mon, 22 Feb 1999 23:37:25 GMT, davemarg@inf.net.au (David
L. Hardie) mumbled something like:
>On Mon, 22 Feb 1999 09:46:00 GMT, merlinc@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au (Robin
>Harrison) wrote:
>
>>sturtle@ozemail.com.au (Stephen Turtle) wrote:
>>
>>>Not long ago the following text was issued by someone using the account of
>>>Trevor Calder:
>>>
>>>>
>>>>> Oh, no! Silly me, you have daylight savings!
>>>>
>>>>Just wait 'til their curtains fade - they'll regret it.
>>>
>>>Curtains? Bugger the curtains!
>>>Have you seen what it does to the cows??
>>
>>You've tried curtain buggery? Jeez, you QLD people are *strange*
>
>I'm more worried about the fact that he mention "buggery" and "cows"
>in consecitive sentences.
>
>David.
>Who has been to Q'land twice but never for the cows.
Only for the buggery huh?
Sciby
%%%
Cayra wins the "All present and correct" Award (nominated by Ken) for her
BTW remark at the end of her post regarding "aus episode order"
%%%
<X-Report editor snippage>
BTW I can't think of too many 'family oriented' suggestions for what
was in
that long cylindrical parcel.
%%%
And Rachael Bahl's response earns her the "Mary Whitehouse award
for bringing family values back to the newsgroup" (nominated by Chris
Sloan) in the thread "REL: The presents <was> Re: aus episode order"
%%%
In article <36f591e9.808446@news.onaustralia.com.au>,
IanMcK@onaustralia.com.au wrote:
> On Sat, 20 Mar 1999 23:35:36 +1030, "Cayra" <clintm@chariot.net.au>
> wrote:
>
> >BTW I can't think of too many 'family oriented' suggestions for what was in
> >that long cylindrical parcel.
> >
>
> Glad I wasn't the only one that was wondering about that !!
There are *LOTS* of family oriented suggestions for what it could be!!!
Some people! Sheesh! ;-)
Rachael.
%%%
And the "RELevancy of the Week Award" goes to all who started threads on
"How The Ghosts Stole Christmas" - Sarah (saroula), Brianna (noromo),
Rachael Bahl, and yours truly, that is, Me :)
Now it's time to go to an ad break, so you can flip back to the
Wrestling.
========================================================================
*click*
Rob: ... and it's all over! What a fight! This will be remembered
by all who watched for a thousand years!
Ken: Rob, that's a rather cruel trick to play on our audience who
have been watching the Gramm...er, X-Awards. Don't panic,
ladies and gentlemen, it *isn't* over yet, really.
Rob: Yeah sorry folks, just an innocent joke. Both Stake and Muffy
have taken a fair beating, and they both appear sapped of
strength.
Ken: Well it should be over fairly soon. God knows this damn
report is long enough already!
Rob: I don't believe it! Stake now has Muffy face down on the
ground! His knee is on her back, he's twisting her arm around
behind her back! But she's not even struggling!
Ken: Now he's going for the final suck! Will he finally be rid of
the Slayer? This is horrifying!
Rob: Pass the nuts. Thanks. Well it's certainly all over for Muffy
What a pit...
Ken: Stake's been ripped backwards by, who is it? My God, it's
Angle!
Rob: Muffy has taken advantage of this opportunity to get up and,
um, chat to her supporters. Huh? I can't quite make out what
she's saying.
After a brief exchange, Hillow tosses something small to Muffy.
Ken: Angle and Stake are having a nice little wrestle of their
own. It seems Muffy's been forgotten! She'll never let them
live *that* down!
Rob: Now, Quokka has come over to Muffy and demanded to see the
object in her hand. She's confiscated it from her! Wait...
it's a wooden stake!
Ken: Now it looks like she'll tell off Angle for interfering.
Camera on Pamela's face. She grins evilly, and the Umpire drives the
wooden stake into Stake's back. He turns to dust.
Ken: NOW, it's all over.
Rob: Not quite, we've got to have the mushy part.
Angle and Muffy face each other, he having finally realized that
being a bloodsucking fiend ain't all it's cracked up to be. The music,
with piano and violin, in fact an entire chamber orchestra, plays a
crescendo to a beautiful melody as Angle and Muffy fall into each
other's arms. Their faces draw closer, and their lips are all expectant,
and then, they share the most beautiful, passionate THE END.
========================================================================