Home > X Reports > The Third Adelaide Report
An Empty circle can be seen, with strange tile-like marking
around its circumference. If we concentrate on one segment of
the circle, we can feel pulses of energy rush through it with
increasing frequency. Suddenly, a rush of blue liquid fills the
circle, and starts to hiss and bubble. Apart from this noise,
the surrounding area is quiet. The smell in the air would give
an observer the impression of a chilled bottle of champagne
nearby and possible nudity beneath the surface of the water.
However, there are no observers and thus no-one thinks this. The
surfaces ripples, and the bubbling increases in intensity and
then a huge vesuvius-like spout of blue liquid shoots outward
from the circle, with the sound of a tsunami. The eruption
subsides and the surface of liquid on the circle is once again
smooth. Then, four figures emerge from the circle and tumble to
the ground near it. Despite the obvious desires of the
non-existent observer, these four people are fully clothed, in
green and khaki, and are carrying black objects which are most
likely weapons.
"Well", said Jack, "Here we are."
<Stirring orchestral music starts>
Metric-Goldmine-Myer Untied Artistes
and
ATXF Productions
present
Richard Dean "Don't call me MacGyver" Anderson
in
_
( )
ooooooo8 ooooooooo o oooooo8 8 oooooooooo oooooooooo
88 88 88 8 8 o88 88 8 8 8 88 8 88 88
88ooooo 88oooo88 8 8 88 oooo 8 8 88 88ooo8
88 88 8ooooo8 88o 88 8 8 88 88 oo
o8oooo88 o88o o88o o88o 88ooo888 o88o o88o o88o o88ooo8888
ooooooo8 oooo ooooooooo oo
o88 88 88 88 88 o88
88 oooo 88 88oooo88 ooooo 88
88o 88 88 88 88
88oooo888 o88o o88o o88o
T H E T H I R D A D E L A I D E R E P O R T
<Music swells to a climax and finishes with an extended
Beethoven I-V-I-V-I-V-I ending>
====================================================================
"Well", said Jack, "Here we are. Um, Where are we, Daniel?"
Dr Daniel Jackson looked back at the SG command manifest.
"Uhh we're on P10131121. Don't seem to know anything about it."
The four members of SG-1 surveyed the landscape. The sky was
overcast, and the air slightly foggy, concealing all but the
nearest hillside. It seemed rather desolate - not a soul about
but there were fields that looked well cultivated indicating that
there was indeed civilisation around here somewhere.
Like a cliched mystery-movie camera direction, the fog
cleared in an instant, revealing a majestic city in front of
them. Ok, so not a *majestic* city, but a town. Well it might
have been a town. Probably. It was about a kilometre in front
of them. From what the SG team could see, the buildings were
mainly wood and thatch, the streets unpaved and it had a very
rural feel. There was an overwhelming feeling of brown.
However, there was *one* strange thing about this rural town.
Behind the town stood a walled castle, apparently the only
building of stone. *This* was indeed a majestic castle, and it
looked straight out of a fantasy tale - yet, it seemed
uninhabited somehow.
Something caught the eye of Captain Samantha Carter.
"Whoa!", she said, and raised her binoculars to her eyes to
get a better look.
"Sir, see that castle? There seems to be some sort of statue
or obelisk in the forecourt. I can't quite see what it is yet."
"Well we'll check it out later, for sure."
Teal'c scowled, because the script required it, and he knew
it would be out of character if he looked the least bit human
or friendly.
"Ok", said O'Neill, "Let's head there."
================================================================
Jackson read the sign on the outskirts of town.
"I think it's a corruption of an ancient Earth dialect,
possibly from the Mesopotamian era. Yes, it's Rotth'Irte'en, if
I'm not mistaken. And it says : 'Aytee Ecseff. Population:
Variable'. I think."
The streets of Aytee Ecseff weren't bare, a few people were
pottering about here and there, but none took much notice of the
SG team. They wrinkled their noses at the familiar yet disgusting
rural smell, and wandered towards what they thought would be the
town centre. After all, there was a well there, and what seemed
to be a stage. Or it could have been a gallows...
"What do you think guys?" asked Jack.
"Well, sir, it looks rather primitive, but there seems to be
signs of electricity at least. Some things on these roofs look
fairly high-tech" replied Carter.
"It is not Goa'uld technology." monotoned Teal'c, scowling all
the way.
"Perhaps," proposed Daniel, "They found some way, perhaps natural
to this world, to get electricity running, perhaps. And probably
they haven't discovered plumbing yet, perhaps." He felt his foot
step on something disgusting soft. "Definitely no plumbing," he
added.
"Anyway," said Jack, "Let's see what we can find out."
A man came running from the square down the street towards
them, and Jack picked up his gun and pointed it at the man.
However, this man didn't seem to be carrying any sort of
weapon, but rather a scroll of parchment.
Jack started to lower his gun, but at that moment, the man
tripped over the hem of his robe and ended up spread face down
in the dust and grime at their feet. The scroll had rolled a
little away.
"Sorry, sorry." said the man, picking himself up and dusting
himself off. This only caused more mud to be rubbed into his
clothes. He shrugged, and tried to wipe his hands on the sides
of his tunic, which made them dirtier still. He looked around
distractedly until he spotted the scroll on the ground, and
picked it up. Then he spoke to Colonel O'Neill.
"Hello, Welcome to Aytee Ecseff. May I ask your names?"
"My name is Jack, this is Sam, Teal'c and Daniel. We came
through the..."
The man looked surprised "You are Daniel?"
"Yes" replied Jackson.
"Oh, so am I! But everyone calls me Danny. You come from Nu'Bi?
You must, you must, with such funny clothes."
"Uh, Nu'Bi must be their name for the Spagate" Daniel muttered.
"I figured that" said Jack.
"Ahh it is a special occasion when we have Nu'Bis here, it seems
so rare nowadays. Here, please take this. Sorry about the um,
mess on it."
Danny passed the scroll to Jack.
"Thanks. I think." said Jack, and took the scroll very carefully,
and then handed it to Daniel, who was less than pleased.
Danny spoke again. "It is our welcome message, also sacred. It
is the Facque. Please read it and treasure it well."
He gestured to the team to follow him "Come, come. I will find
someone to show you around."
Danny knocked on a door that seemed like many others. After a
short while, a young man opened the door and said "Yes?"
"Kenneth, my friend! We have Nu'Bis here! Would you like to show
them around?"
Kenneth's face brightened on the mention of Nu'Bis, but it was
kind gentle grin.
"Certainly, certainly! Come in, Come in, I shall get the Lurker
to prepare drinks."
They entered Kenneth's meagre hut and sat around his table.
It had wooden chairs and tables, rudely constructed, and the
mud and straw walls didn't look very stable. An open door
revealed a bed, presumably Kenneth's, with straw stuffing.
"Very primitive", Daniel muttered under his breath.
Teal'c pointed at the ceiling, saying "except for this."
Hanging in the middle of the ceiling was some light-emanating
device, which looked like a conventional light bulb, except for
the shape. This also prevented the hut from looking dim and dark,
shattering another cliche.
A bedraggled man hobbled into the room with a tray of drinks,
urged on somewhat forcibly by Kenneth. He served the drinks
and slunk away into the back yard again.
"Well," said Kenneth, sitting down, "What brings you here?
The ceremony, correct?"
Realization hit Danny. "Oh bother!" he said, "I'd best be
going now to finish the preparations! Farewell Nu'Bis, I hope
to see you again soon."
He bowed and departed.
"Umm, what ceremony is this, Kenneth?" asked Carter.
"Ahh you do not know of the X-Report? I thought it was very
well known. Maybe you have not read the Facque yet."
"Well I was going to", said Daniel, "but it's sort of soiled."
"Oh very well," replied Kenneth, "Do not bother. You will
see the ceremony tonight."
"Oh, goody" said Jack, his voice edged with sarcasm.
================================================================
After a short while and small talk not necessary for the
plot, Kenneth led the team to the town centre, where he bade
them farewell whilst he helped Danny finish preparations for the
Ceremony. The four sat down on the edge of the well, and watched
a few scattered people set up chairs and hang bunting from the
eaves of the houses surrounding the square. An old man and a
teenaged girl were arguing over some sort of decoration, and
where it was to be placed.
"Look, Hampster, it's *got* to go on the edge of the stage!"
yelled ~teve, "that's so the Lord can see it! We can't hide
it over behind the audience!"
Hampster scowled, and retorted "Fine! You blow it up then!"
and then stormed out of the square.
~teve, sighed and tried in vain to exhale air into the ornament.
The SG team watched wide-eyed. "What the hell is that?" said
Jack. "It's sort of black and white and red all over."
"You mean like a newspaper?" giggled Sam, and they all groaned.
"Sorry" she said, "it just had to be said. The writer is
running out of ideas."
Suddenly, they saw a hand beckoning them from behind a nearby
building. The four surreptitiously followed it and found the
servant from Kenneth's standing in the shadows.
"Who are you?" Jack asked.
"I am ajf. But they all call me the Lurker. I have a warning
for you."
"Yes?"
"Look out behind you. Sorry."
================================================================
When they regained consciousness, the team were in a cliched
rotting cell with stone walls and rising damp.
"Stone," said Daniel, "That must mean we're in the castle."
"I guess so", said Jack. "What a pain that Lurker is.
How the hell do we get out of here?"
"We cannot leave yet." said Teal'c
"He's right", said Sam, "we've got to meet the Evil Overlord
of the week, and hear of his horrific plans. *Then* we can
escape and free the oppressed citizens."
"Oh yeah, good point."
"In fact", added Carter, "Now that we're all awake, a guard
should come to the cell door to take us to him right now."
The cell door creaked open. A Guard stood there, and
spoke in a monotone robotic voice. "My name is EBE. I am
here to take you to the Lord for an audience."
"See?" said Sam.
The throne room was, unlike most throne rooms, small, dark
and dingy. Candles were the only source of light.
"Daniel, you see that?" said Jack, "the town has electricity,
but this place doesn't. Why?"
"I don't know Colonel. Sorry."
"QUIET!" intoned a menacing voice.
"Ahh, you must be the Evil Overlord."
"Indeed I am, " said Lord $teve, "I am in all Reports. Except
for the ones I write."
The Lord's face was hidden in shadow, but his array of guards
was not. All had shining copper breastplates with a dollar
symbol emblazoned. And all looked mean. And all looked brainless.
The $tevelink minions were not individuals, they were drones.
"Now look here," said $teve, "I am not actually an Overlord,
although I am an Evil Lord. I assure you that the people of
Aytee Ecseff have nothing to fear from me (except the occasional
quotewar or punfight). So you're not going to hear my evil plans.
I try to break as many cliches as possible." The Lord
laughed maniacally.
"I thought you said you tried to break cliches?"
"Well I like laughing maniacally! It's good for the heart!"
"Well if you haven't got any evil plans to reveal to us, why
did you bring us here?"
"So I could appear in this Report! I have to make an appearance,
don't I? Rob 'n Robin (tweet tweet)! Take the prisoners back
to the cell. We don't like Nu'Bis round here."
A large guard and a short guard moved forward to get the SG team.
"And I'm not short!" protested Robin.
"Shorter than Ngaire!" said Rob.
Teal'c took advantage of this distraction to reach forward and
slam the heads of the two guards together. Jack then stepped
forward and grabbed a gun from one of the guards (apart from
the fact, that up until this point, none of the guards had been
armed with anything more than a pike. But some cliches live on)
and started firing around the room. Robin reared up, only to get
5 bullets full in the chest.
"Oh No! Not Again!"
Rob, of course, supplied the rest of the mangled quote
"I think I will call this death. I wonder if it will be friends
with me?"
Jack turned his attention towards the Throne, but it was now
vacant. Fading Maniacal laughter echoed from the walls.
They ran for it.
================================================================
Our heroes, of course defeated overwhelming odds and killed many
$tevelink guards before escaping into the forecourt of the castle.
The huge statue lingered above them.
"It's that statue I saw!" cried Sam.
"It looks like a bird" said Teal'c.
"Yep, some sort of penguin, I think." said Jack, "Why a penguin?"
"Um, Perhaps", said Daniel, "the penguin is a bird of wisdom
or something like that.[1]"
"Whatever it is, " added Sam, "it sure looks phallic."
"Probably as big as that Lord's Ego" suggested Jack.
"Not quite as big, I'm afraid." said $teve.
The four whirled around to see the Evil Lord, who in daylight
didn't actually look all that Evil. He looked rather ordinary
in fact.
"Get them!" $teve yelled to his remaining guards, proving that
*looking* nice doesn't necessarily mean that the brain, voice
and ego aren't Evil.
The guards charged, the SG team ran, and found themselves trapped
against the closed Castle drawbridge. The guards closed in slowly,
and all looked finished.
================================================================
"How the hell did we get outside the castle?" asked Sam.
"It must be a plot hole." said Daniel
"No, it isn't. I opened a door in the drawbridge which you didn't
see and pulled you out. The *guards* fell into a plot hole
and died."
"YOU!" yelled Jack, raising his gun.
"I am sorry for before", said ajf, "I had no choice. The plot
required it. I'm not a lackey of $teve's, unless he pays me a
lot of money."
"Well what now? The excitement seems to be over." said Sam
"Come back to the town with me. We can enjoy the ceremony
before the climactic fight scene, ok?"
================================================================
A spotlight lit up the stage, with ~teve's finally inflated
GIPs at either side, and a Microphone in the middle. Danny
approached the microphone and spoke into it.
"Welcome to the first X-Report of 1999. Nice to see some Nu'Bis
around here too.
First up, some awards from posts left over from last year.
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A recently assimilated Nu'Bi, Meerkats Rule has won the
"Phone Home" award for his post regarding the unreadable Korean
in the thread: "???? ?AAI?! ?eCO"
~~~~~~~~~~
The aliens are trying to communicate with us!!!
yn480942 <yn480942@ppp.kornet21.net> wrote in article
<761ksg$5a9$1@news.kornet.nm.kr>...
> CN?????I E1?aAuAI AUC?AI?U.
> KBS?!?- ?U?ACN10 1??? C?A??e CN?U.AIAOAI?! 2?i?A
> AI?U A?A??A ???e AE?U~~~
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Vanessa Meachen receives a bag of rice, for her contribution
to the $teve/Annette/Meerkats Rule Wedding Love Triangle mutato
thread which made me laugh:
~~~~~~~~~~
In article <368717bd.2726037@news.scoutnet.net.au>,
Danny@Bloody.Vikings.scoutnet.net.au wrote:
>An extract From "Mutatothread!!!! YeahahaAaaa!", By "$teve2"
><stephend@orgo.cad.gu.edu.au> (Sun, 27 Dec 1998 19:56:58 +1000):
>>quokka wrote:
>>> Annette Fraser wrote:
>>> ?
>>> ? Not if they want to marry $teve. Mine! Mine! Mine! ;-)
>>>
>>> Fine! Fine! Fine! ;)
>>
>>Wedding Feast Time - Dine Dine Dine!
>
>Meerkats Rule : Cryin' Cryin' Cryin'
>
G'kar's eye on the wedding night: Spyin' Spyin' Spyin'
:)
Vanessa.
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ajf the Lurker receives this box of Cereal for the next enthralling
part in his story of Ernest Bay, in the thread "X-files prosthetics
on E-Bay...AUTHENTIC"
~~~~~~~~~~
rotcorp <rotcorp@netcom.ca> wrote:
>Until January 5th on E-Bay: Authentic X-Files forearm prosthetic from
>the season 5 episode "Detour". Actually worn on set. Check it out at
>http://cgi.ebay.com/aw-cgi/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=52680549
>or type in keywords "x-files prosthetic".
>Starting bid: $375.00 No reserve. Serious collectors only, please.
"It's very simple, Mr Bay," a young man Ernest had never seen until
two days ago told him. "You will help us or we will send the details of
your experiments to all of your customers."
Bay was almost in tears. He had put his shameful past behind him, gotten
on with his new life far from the village of his birth, so many years
ago. Why were they doing this to him now?
But of course, he knew why. He no longer doubted someone here was going
to revive the hideous experiments on weasels he had been involved with.
The price was too high. Equally, to some the temptation had to be too
great. The benefits to medicine alone could not only improve longevity,
it would make those extra years more comfortable than where he feared he
would finally reside, ending up in a nursing home, no longer of use to
anyone, even himself. When this young man - it irked Bay that he
had given no name, yet expected so much - had arrived talking about his
work, he suspected that he was part of the research. It was some little
consolation that he was apparently trying to stop it.
What Bay couldn't understand was this man's motivation. How do he and
the group he represents benefit from stopping this? They obviously knew
more than any animal rights group were likely to know. There had to be
people in very high places involved. Probably someone in Military
Intelligence.
Elsewhere in London, a man named Bidding received another coded
message, sent as usual in plain sight to thousands of people who
had no way of realising what it must mean. It was a grave situation.
His superiors still did not know where the experiments were planned to
be conducted, but tapped telephone calls indicated it would start in
twelve hours. What was worse, they were planning to extend the research
into prosthetics. This was something that had not been considered in
the original research, and only served to make it all the more brutal.
"No reserve" indeed; it seemed the Forearm Seasons were totally without
inhibitions in their greed. Still, that was why he was a Collector, to
deal with exactly this kind of trouble. "This kind of thinking won't -"
Detour? This didn't make any sense to him. It had to be there for a
reason - for such a means of communication to be effective, almost
every word had to carry a great deal of information - but Bidding
simply did not understand. It must have come from an intercepted
conversation.
"Come," Bidding answered a knock at his door. "Thank you, Tonkin...
Mr Bay, I am glad you've chosen to help us."
"Chosen." Ernest Bay entered the dimly lit room, looking at a wall
covered in books, some dating back to the early 19th century. "It's
a curious word you use to describe blackmail."
Bidding was not one to tolerate idle complaint at a time such as this.
"You know why you're here. If you regret your past half as much as you
act it, you would have want to stop this." Again the old man's eyes
watered a little. Bidding lowered his voice slightly as he asked, "Does
the word 'Detour' mean anything to you?"
Under other circumstances, Ernest's reply might have ended with "... but
that's not important right now". He thought for a moment, shaking his
head. "Why do you ask?" Bidding showed him the coded message.
Bay stroked his chin in thought. "No, I can't say I know anything to
do with the word Detour in connection with my - with the work, but...
what does the five mean?"
"It doesn't mean anything. The date is just to make the message seem to
be nothing out of the ordinary."
"I mean the other one." Bay waved his hand towards "season 5 episode".
"There was another laboratory working on the project. It filled the
fifth floor of an office building in the centre of the city."
Unless they had chosen another fifth floor laboratory in a city office
building, which Bidding thought highly unlikely, this had to be
somehow important. "What was the name of this building?"
"I... I don't remember." Expecting this answer, Bidding thumbed through a
folder containing background information on his assignment.
"Knight? What did they do there?"
"That sounds about right. I never went there myself. I was only responsible
for the work at Bishop. I do remember reading something about what they
were... Of course! I think I know what the detour is."
[ THIS SEEMS AS GOOD A POINT AS ANY TO STOP ]
--
Adam Fitzpatrick (well, not counting "before I started")
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NATGAT NEWS FLASH NATGAT NEWS FLASH NATGAT NEWS FLASH NATGAT NEWS FLASH
As you may know, I started a caption competition for one of my photos
from NatGat, which can be viewed here:
http://www.geocities.com/Area51/Keep/8128/photos/ng042.jpg
This was taken during the reading of ATXF: The Movie, and the
people from left to right are: $teve, Rob, Robin, EBE, Annette,
with Lyndal (Hampster)'s head in the foreground.
The winning entry is below, from Meerkats Rule - who wasn't even
at NatGat (which makes it funnier) and her entry is also REL which
makes it all the more rare...
~~~~~~~~~~
Gentleman on right is bending over in pain...
Person on left: How many times have I told you to stop wearing those tight
red Speedos?
~~~~~~~~~~
Of course, she means Rob & $teve in the above, obviously.
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Ingrid wins the David Attenborough Mogadon Award (nominated by Annette)
for her post in the "TAN: Bonobos" thread:
~~~~~~~~~~
Happy New Year everyone!
In article <76qe82$a7k$1@news.iinet.net.au>,
Trevor Calder wrote:
> A nice person called Chris Sloan (who can be contacted at
> ibid@a011.aone.net.aus) told all the world the following....
> >What do you call those big chimps? The rare ones starting with "B"?
> >Bomokos? :) Damn, it was on the Discovery Channel a while ago...
>
> Bonobos (one bonobo, two bonobos[1]) - and they're the small ones.
Ingrid: This appears to be one of those areas where I don't make mistakes
more often than Trevor.
Chorus of a.tv.x-f: Oh no! Not again...
Ingrid: Although Bonobos (_Pan_paniscus_) are also sometimes known as
Pygmy Chimpanzees, they are in fact pretty much the same size as
Common Chimpanzees (_Pan_troglodytes_).
Chorus of a.tv.x-f: Couldn't she talk about something other than her
work for a change?
Ingrid: The reason for the 'pygmy' name is that they were first identified
based on a skull - bonobos do have smaller heads than chimps, but they
have the same body size (more or less) and longer legs.
Chorus of a.tv.x-f: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Ingrid: Bonobos actually have quite a reputation - they solve all social
conflict by having sex with each other in just about every imaginable
combination.
Chorus of a.tv.x-f: ??What??
Ingrid: Next week, should the three subspecies of gorilla be
re-classified as distinct species?
Chorus of a.tv.x-f: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
> [1] I fully expect someone to add "three bonobos, four". It's certainly
> childish enough......
Ingrid
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Further to the "----------- WHY DOES NO ONE LIKE KRYCEK ??? -------------"
Mutatothread, Chris Sloan wins the Elizabeth Taylor award for this post:
~~~~~~~~~~
On Wed, 13 Jan 1999 09:36:53 +1000, "$teve2" <natgatcat@geocities.com>
wrote:
>Annette Fraser wrote:
>>
>> In article <369AABDE.BE151A41@geocities.com>,
>> "$teve2" <natgatcat@geocities.com> wrote:
>>
>> Dinner music for the meal: Albinoni! Albinoni! Albinoni!
>
>If the wining and dining was successful: Matrimony! Matrimony!
>Matrimony!
If the marriage isn't successful: Alimony! Alimony! Alimony!
Cheers,
Chris.
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David Hardie wins The "DEVIL IN A BLUE DRESS" AWARD for White House humour
(nominated by Ken) for his contribution to *this* Mutatothread...
~~~~~~~~~~
On Mon, 18 Jan 1999 22:43:18 +1000, "$teve2" <natgatcat@geocities.com>
wrote:
>Trevor Calder wrote:
>> A nice person called ingridbj@my-dejanews.com (who can be contacted at
>> ingridbj@my-dejanews.com) told all the world the following....
>> >In article <369fc72e.27966712@news.inf.net.au>,
>> > davemarg@inf.net.au (David L. Hardie) wrote:
<snip by X-Report Editor>
>> >> >Didn't Bruce Lee say this in "Enter The Dragon"? :-)
>> >> Didn't the drunk say "Pass the flagon"?
>> >Didn't the patriot say "Stick a flag on"?
>> Didn't Lee Marvin sing "Paint your wagon"?
>Didn't the medieval poisoning kit say "Taint your flagon"?
Didn't Bill Clinton say "That, you wont gag on"
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Trevor Calder gets a packet of oats and the "MAISIE DOATS" AWARD
for creative interpretation (also nominated by Ken) for his post in
"TAN: Another test...":
~~~~~~~~~~
A nice person called $teve3 (who can be contacted at natgatcat@geocities.com)
told all the world the following....
>I'm never going to reform am I?
Not if we cut you into small enough pieces............
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Ken also nominates $teve for the "SECRET DIARY OF STEPHEN DANN, AGED
25 1/2" AWARD for personal revelations:
~~~~~~~~~~
~From: "$teve2" <natgatcat@geocities.com>
~Subject: Re: TAN: Excerpts from the *other* ATXF's FAQ
~Date: Mon, 18 Jan 1999 22:32:26 +1000
Rachael Bahl wrote:
> I don't understand this need to constantly slag off at the alt group.
That's because you don't have a small dick like I do.
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Ken himself gets the "What, me Spam?" Award, nominated by Robin, for
this post in the thread "X-Files and Conspiracy Theory the Movie
Secrets Revealed":
~~~~~~~~~~
"$teve3" <natgatcat@geocities.com> writes:
>Suffice to say, I never leave a stone unturned
which explain $teve have all epsiodes email him also bloopers + intervioews
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RachREL Bahl wins one award for each of the REL posts she's done
recently, but considering we're cheapskates here, here's one huge
one, which was made my melting all the little ones together.
This is brought to you by Danny (CEO) and ajf (smelt operator).
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Danny wins the "Something" Award (nominated by ajf) for this post...
~~~~~~~~~~
~Subject: Re: +o+| |-+-+i |_|+
An extract From "Re: ???? ?AAI?! ?eCO", By "$teve2"
<stephend@orgo.cad.gu.edu.au> (Sun, 27 Dec 1998 20:01:55 +1000):
>
>
>yn480942 wrote:
Hmm Strange, this *does* actually turn out fine using my Japanese Auto-Detect
feature in NJWin, but it seems to be chinese... but I don't have that. Here's
best guess...
~Subject: something something something something something fixed background
>>
>> CN?????I E1?aAuAI AUC?AI?U.
>
>Trans: Hello. Please excuse my accents
something origin something something something something something long ago
something something something
>
>> KBS?!?- ?U?ACN10 1??? C?A??e CN?U.AIAOAI?! 2?i?A
>
>Trans: Do you have a cup of ASCII text I could borrow?
KBS something something something something something numeral something
something life something something something. something something something
something 2
>
>> AI?U A?A??A ???e AE?U~~~
>
>Trans: I am a Due South fan---
something something stone life heavy something something something
something.
Gee, it's a pity I can't really understand Chinese. We got somewhere
close to a full word in that last phrase.....
Seeya. Danny.
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Trevor Calder wins the "WARNING: ATXF CAUSES PAIN" award for his post "I cut
my finger"
~~~~~~~~~~
I would like to warn you all that reading atxf can be dangerous.
I was sitting here quietly reading, when I got distracted by the
silliness of the newsgroup, and managed to cut my finger with the
knife I was playing with.
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Trevor also wins "One Mutato, Two Mutato, Three Mutato, Fork" for managing
to fork an existing mutatothread into two or more!
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Dammit Trevor is good! (this month anyway :p) He also wins the "Stone-dhenge"
Award for this post to "*^*^*^*^*^*^*^* BLOOPERS *^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^":
~~~~~~~~~~
In article <19990120071051.17954.00000021@ng29.aol.com>,
tradincrdz@aol.com (TradinCrdz) wrote:
> if u want info.. email me and ask for it..
<snippity>
hi steve unwelcome back we havent missed u we all ready have all eps also
bloopers we dont email u why dont u bugger off for ever
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================================================================
Suddenly there was a raucous outside of town which interrupted
the ceremony. A line of Chariots with $teve at the head
trampled into the town. The people jumped from their seats and
kneeled in the dust. The four SG members stood in defiance,
and then noticed two others standing also. One was ajf, the
other a woman.
"Lurker" intoned $teve, "you shall be punished for your
insolence."
Lightning flew from $teve's fingertips and ajf was struck to the
ground, corn flakes flying everywhere.
"I defy you Lord $teve", said the woman, spitting the word "Lord"
as if it was dirt.
"As you always do, Rachael, and I tolerate this. But, your
children will be next!"
"$teve, this isn't a quotewar, you know."
"YET!" replied $teve, and laughed maniacally.
"I do wish he'd stop doing that." said Sam.
"Ahh, the Nu'Bis. Time for some fun! My blood-brother ~teve,
prepare the gallows!"
"So the stage *does* double as gallows!" said Daniel, then "Oh."
"But Lord $teve," said ~teve, "Do not the GIPs appease your
anger?"
"A little. But I don't think I'll ever get over that heretic
Lynne pulling on the beak of one. Ouch. Well She has been
banished once again to Ayess Bifaive, so I have nought more to
fear. But these Nu'bis have angered me, and killed many of the
$tevelink. The deserve to be hung"
"Hanged" said Daniel.
"But don't we sort of get a say in this?" asked Jack.
"No!" intoned $teve, "you *will* be made dead this day, if I've
got anything to do with it!"
"Bloody hell, not again." said Jack.
================================================================
It turned out that the Executioner was Marcus Lee, who was
very reluctant to have this job. "I've seen 'The List', you see"
he offered by way of explanation. "Anyway, any last words?"
Sam thought, and then said "It's a far far better thing that I do
now than.. Oh wait. I've done far better things that dying."
Jack thought, and then said "I'll be back. After all, there's
always MacGyver again."
Daniel thought, and then said "I don't wanna go!"
Teal'c thought, and then said "I cannot think of anything."
Tenseness filled the air. $teve looked on with a snide smile
on his face. The crowd cowered, because they were a cowering
crowd, and it was expected of them. There would have a been
a drum roll had anyone bothered to get a drum. There was a
terrible ghastly silence as Marcus rested his hands on the
lever, preparing to pull.
"Stop right there!"
A female face filled the sky and with really expensive
Computer Generated special effects, swirled down and the woman's
body materialised onto the stage.
"My, my queen." said Marcus, and dropped to his knees.
$teve, not one to let go of a Quotewar opportunity, said
"Ill met by moonlight, Fair Titanica."
"Oy!" the Queen replied, "I am not huge, nor do I go down
on icebergs!"
"That's not what I heard" sniggered $teve. "Anyway, my queen,
what brings you here?"
"You were going to sacrifice these Nu'Bis. Give them a chance
to get accustomed to the place before deciding on their fate."
"I do not have to listen to you!"
"Oh yes you do!" screamed the Queen. "Remember, you said it
yourself. 'No matter how many of us there are, we do not
outnumber Annette!'"
"Ah yes. I did say that. Well, what can I say? I'm a $teve,
we're good at this sort of thing."
Queen Annette turned to the captive Spagate team and with
a wave of her hand freed them.
"I apologise for the insane actions of my SO. He's like that."
"Wait, you're with *him*?" said Sam astonishedly.
"Yeah, it's complicated. And it's got to do with Penguins."
"I don't wanna know then" said Jack.
"Well Nu'Bis, you are welcome to stay in Aytee Ecseff and learn
our ways. I will ensure $teve does not bother you again. Much."
"Uh, Thanks but no thanks, Queen." said Jack, "This place is
far too weird for us. Come on team."
With that the four departed from the town and headed towards
the Spagate. Lord $teve, Queen Annette, Danny, Kenneth and
other townspeople followed them to watch them depart.
The Gate filled with blue liquid again, bubbled, rippled,
erupted and the settled again. The four said "Good bye
and Good riddance!" and disappeared into the mist.
"Damn" said $teve, "I didn't even get to use the Assimilator 2000"
"Hmm," said Danny, sniffing the air. "I'm sure I've got some
champagne somewhere. Who wants to get naked?"
THE END.
(and aren't we thankful for that!)
[1] Bonus points to whoever can spot the reference, include name
of source, writer/actor/character (delete appropriate) and
description of the scene.