Home > ATXF > Nostalgia > SUNBURN: Trevor, Warrior Philosopher Part 1

Subject: SUNBURN: Trevor, Warrior Philosopher Part 1
From: laranzu@spirit.com.au (Hugh Fisher)
Date: Tue, 17 Nov 1998 21:22:13 +1100
Organization: Spirit Networks Pty Ltd

Just when you thought this newsgroup couldn't possibly get any 
sillier...

Yes folks, the ultimate X-Files/ATXF crossover is here!

                        "TREVOR, WARRIOR PHILOSOPHER"
                                        Part One

Written by Hugh, from an idea by Ingrid

The X-Files, Mulder and Scully are of course copyright to Chris 
Carter, 1013 Productions, etc. All other characters are fictional 
and any resemblance to persons living or dead is entirely 
coincidental. No really.


Night. The dim light from stars and moon shows a grassy paddock and 
a couple of trees. Towards the horizon are visible the brightly lit 
windows of a house. The only sounds are those of a quiet country 
area: insects and an occasional soft owl hoot. The caption at the 
bottom of the screen reads:
Illinois
11:45 PM

Two flashlight beams become visible, picking a path through the 
trees. The camera closes in and we see Mulder and Scully.

SCULLY: This is the right place?

MULDER: I think so. Look.

His flashlight picks out a small group of cows standing placidly in 
the paddock.

COW: Mooooo.

Back to Mulder and Scully. They've stopped walking.

SCULLY: This is what we came to find?

MULDER: The only herd of Frisians in the state.

SCULLY: And you expect these to be the next cows stolen?

MULDER: Not stolen, Scully. Abducted.

Scully gives him The Look.

SCULLY: Abducted.

MULDER: Yes, abducted. In all four previous incidents unexplained 
bright lights were seen in the sky. The grass showed signs of 
exposure to intense heat, and there were no tire marks or other 
evidence of any human vehicle. Characteristics reported in over 
ninety percent of alien abduction cases.

SCULLY: And why would aliens abduct cows?

MULDER: That's what we're here to find out...

An intense, high pitched humming sound. A bright point of light 
appears just above the cows. A glowing bubble of light expands out, 
surrounding the cows, Mulder, and Scully.

MULDER: Scully!

SCULLY: I...can't....move...

Brief flash of brilliant light.

Bright daylight. The cows are standing on an unpaved road leading 
through light forest. Mulder and Scully are half sitting, as if they 
had just fallen. A small wooden barrow of fruit and vegetables is 
overturned in the road next to them and a half dozen bewildered 
villagers in ancient costume are slowly backing away from them.

Mulder gets to his feet and walks towards one of the villagers.

MULDER: Hello?

The villager runs away from him.

MULDER: Stop!

He grabs the arm of another villager. The man struggles for a 
moment, cannot break Mulders grip, and turns to face him.

MULDER: I won't hurt you.

Scully joins Mulder, straightening her jacket and looking around 
with a puzzled expression.

MULDER: Where are we?

GENE: Scotland, strangers.

MULDER: Scotland?

GENE: That's what I said.

SCULLY: You sound more like somebody from New Zealand.

An expression of shock appears on Genes face as he sees something 
behind Mulder and Scully. He runs. So do the other villagers.

Cut to a band of thugs in leather armour and armed with clubs and 
swords who have just come into view.

HEAD THUG: The strange man and woman what we're supposed to look 
for! Kill them!

The band charges forward, yelling.

Mulder and Scully draw their guns and point them at the onrushing 
horde.

MULDER: Federal agents! Stop!

They continue to charge.

MULDER: Stop, or we'll shoot!

They keep coming.

Mulder and Scully each try to shoot, but pulling the trigger 
produces only faint clicking sounds. Zoom in on their horrified 
faces as the thugs come closer.

                                OPENING CREDITS
                                

Heroic bagpipe music. Long panoramic shot of rolling hills and 
forests, with one very small figure moving in the distance.

NARRATOR: A long time ago, a newsgroup in turmoil cried out for a 
hero.

We see that the figure is a venerable old man jogging along in an 
outfit reminiscent of Mel Gibson in Braveheart.

NARRATOR: He was Trevor, Warrior Philosopher.

The camera slowly tracks across the landscape, suddenly stopping and 
zooming in on greaves being strapped on a pair of female legs. A 
battleaxe and horned helmet lie on the ground beside.

NARRATOR: Ahem. *Trevor* possessed knowledge of weapons and grammar 
unmatched by mortal man.

The camera quickly pans back to Trevor. We see he has an assortment 
of swords slung over his back and an Oxford dictionary in his hand.

NARRATOR: He chose to use his powers for good, not for evil.

The camera drifts away to a leather and metal shirt being buckled up 
over an athletic female body.

NARRATOR: Wherever there was poor writing, wherever a newbie without 
language skills, there would be *Trevor*!

The camera quickly pans back to a heroic closeup of Trevor.

NARRATOR: With the aid of the Valkyrie Ingrid he travelled the 
earth, battling the minions of the Mispelt One.

The camera turns back to Ingrid, now fully armoured and wearing a 
horned helmet, swinging a battleaxe through a complex figure of 
eight pattern.

NARRATOR: Creating a legend that would live for eternity.

Montage sequence of Trevor battling foes, pointing out passages in 
the dictionary to youngsters, and examining pairs of false teeth.

The music closes with a triumphant flourish.

Back to the thugs charging Mulder and Scully.

TREVOR (off screen): Hai-Ya!

Trevor and Ingrid burst into the scene. A brief melee ensues.

Camera on Trevor. His thug opponent charges up with a long straight 
sword in one hand.

TREVOR: Aha, a knights bastard sword.

He draws an almost identical weapon from the assortment on his back. 
The thug makes a clumsy thrust with the sword, which Trevor dodges.

TREVOR: Look at the tip lad, that's no thrusting weapon! Watch, the 
extra length of hilt is used to swing two handed. (WHACK) Like that.

Camera on Ingrid. She is skipping and swinging her battle axe in 
time to the soundtrack, and counting beats to herself.

INGRID: Step...step...step two three four. And swing (CRUNCH) two 
three four...

Camera on Trevor. Another thug does a roundhouse kick, which he 
calmly avoids. The thug tries again, with the same result. Trevor 
grimaces.

TREVOR: Good gods, where did you learn that terrible technique? 
Balance on the left foot, pivot through the hips (THUD) without over 
stretching!

The thugs have had enough and run or stumble away, leaving the odd 
weapon in the grass. Trevor and Ingrid look at each other, see no 
wounds, and turn to Mulder and Scully.

MULDER: Thank you.

SCULLY: Sir, could you tell us where we are?

MULDER: And *when* we are?

TREVOR: This is the Dunsinane valley, in the Year of the Weasel. And 
who might you be?

SCULLY: I'm FBI agent Dana Scully and this is my partner, agent 
Mulder.

TREVOR: Agents of Ephebe? You have travelled far indeed.

INGRID: Are these your cows?

MULDER: Not exactly.

INGRID: Then I am honour bound to see them to safety. Trevor, I'll 
catch up with you.

Ingrid walks to the cows and whistles. The cows all look at her 
attentively. Ingrid walks briskly away up the road and the cows 
follow.

Trevor, Mulder, and Scully watch them leave.

SCULLY: I don't recall being taught that Viking warriors took care 
of cows.

TREVOR (slightly surprised): Why else would they wear those helmets?

Mulder has noticed a discarded shield lying in the grass. He takes a 
couple of steps towards it.

MULDER: Scully, look at this.

Scully and Trevor join him. The shield lies flat on the ground, made 
of black wood with a large golden dollar sign painted on it.

TREVOR: You know this sign?

SCULLY: Of course we do.

TREVOR: Fate must have chosen us to be companions. Come, I will lead 
you.

He marches out of shot. Mulder starts to follow, and looks back at 
Scully. She shrugs and starts walking.

Long shot, a dark coloured stone castle looming over a hillside. 
From the highest tower flies a black flag with a golden dollar sign.

Inside the castle courtyard. On a raised wooden platform stands 
$teve, clearly the chief villain, in black robes, a blood red and 
black kilt, and wearing a chain about his neck with a gold dollar 
sign pendant. Lounging in a chair beside him is Annette, in Egyptian 
royal costume, and at his feet squats Robin Harrison in a slightly 
tattered medieval jesters outfit.

Before the platform are a dozen or so warriors in red and white 
leather armour, standing at attention with spears in their hands. In 
front stands a captain, similarly equipped and with a helmet plumed 
in red and white.

$teve surveys the warriors with satisfaction.

$TEVE (to Annette): An excellent notion, m'dear. These uniforms look 
splendid. Have you thought of a name for my elite guards as well?

ANNETTE : The Swans.

$TEVE (disbelieving): Swans?

ANNETTE (slightly defensive): Yes, the Swans.

$TEVE: You can't ask my elite guards to call themselves Swans! 
Nobody would take them seriously!

ANNETTE (angrily standing): They would too!

$TEVE (equally angry): No! I won't have it!

Annette storms off. $teve is about to say something, but changes his 
mind. He turns back to the guards.

$TEVE: Captain Ken! Dismiss your men and come with me.

Cut to Trevor, Mulder, and Scully walking along a hillside path. 
Trevor leads, with Mulder and Scully about five metres behind, 
talking quietly.

SCULLY: Do you have to encourage him?

MULDER: You're not interested in the Mispelt One, Scully? He may be 
our only ticket back home.

SCULLY: Someone will have a car we can borrow to get out of here.

MULDER: Scully, our guns don't work, our phones are dead, we haven't 
seen any vehicles or planes, not so much as a candy bar wrapper. Why 
won't you accept that we're no longer in the twentieth century?

SCULLY: Because it's ridiculous, Mulder. The cattle thieves must 
have used a flash grenade of some sort to stun us. While we were 
unconscious they replaced our ammunition and batteries with blanks 
and dumped us in this (slight pause) medieval theme park to give 
themselves time to escape.

MULDER: Why didn't they take the cows?

SCULLY: They probably thought that we'd implanted radio tracking 
tags and wanted to confuse any pursuit. Mulder, I saw bananas and 
tomatoes on that cart back there. There weren't any of those in 
Scotland until after the renaissance.

MULDER: But if some unknown power can bring cows back in time as 
Trevor has told us, why couldn't the same or similar powers have 
been used to obtain new crops?

SCULLY: Mulder, you are reasoning backwards from the conclusion to 
the cause...

Pull back and fade out on Trevor, Mulder and Scully.

                        End of part one.