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Subject: SCRIPT: Unreleased episode
From: c9326542@peach.newcastle.edu.au (Jason Tyler)
Date: 28 Aug 1996 08:00:49 GMT
Organization: The University of Newcastle

[Theme music. "F.B.I. Headquarters" appears in the lower left corner
 of the screen in a Courier-like font. Scully appears around a corner,
 walking along the corridor to Mulder's office. She knocks and enters.]

Mulder: Scully, where've you been?
Scully: Mulder, something big's come up. An alien spaceship just
        landed near Alberquerque...
Mulder: Yeah, yeah, maybe some other time. I'm following something more
        interesting.

[Scully makes a question mark with her eyebrows.]

Mulder: Some crackpot in Australia says he's uncovered a Usenet
        conspiracy.
Scully: Usenet?
Mulder: Yeah, you know Usenet. You know, newsgroups.
Scully: No.
Mulder: Never heard of it?
Scully: No.
Mulder: Scully, you should get out more. Anyway, I'll give you a quick
        rundown. Come over here.

[Mulder leads Scully to a terminal. On the wall behind it is a poster
 reading "I Want To Live", and someone has scrawled "Just a little bit
 longer now...." underneath the caption. About seven hundred one-line
 additions appear under this. Mulder starts up a newsreader.]

Mulder: It's like a worldwide bulletin board system. There are now
        more than four thousand special interest groups, covering
        everything from firearms to soap operas.
Scully: TV shows?
Mulder: Yeah. The fan groups are huge. Sometimes the members even pool
        their resources and send gifts to their favourite stars.
Scully: They send *gifts*?? WOW!!!!! OH MY GOD!!! THEY'RE SUCH ANGELS!!!
Mulder: Scully, that was very out of character for you.

[Scully pouts, says "So what if it was?", and sits on a big black thing.]

Scully: Mulder, what's this wet rock doing in your office?
Mulder: It's not a rock, it's a monster. Anyway, on one of these
        newsgroups in Australia, a few deranged subscribers have
        started thinking that multiple people are actually one person.
        I want to find out what's gone wrong with their perception to
        induce these effects.
Scully: Like that guy that claimed he was killing the same man over
        and over again?
Mulder: Exactly. 
Scully: Which newsgroup are we concerned with here?
Mulder: Ummm... aus dot tv dot... err...
Scully: What?
Mulder: I can't access the last word. The computer says something
        about a self-reference loop. Anyway, we're flying down there
        this afternoon.
Scully: I'll get Agent Krycek to look at this other case then.
        Actually, I've always wanted to go Down Under. Like in that
        movie, with the alligator guy, you know?
Mulder: It wasn't an alligator, it was a crocodile. They're harder to kill,
        did you know that Scully? Are you sure you're not just going to
        Australia to buy Bananas in Pyjamas merchandise?

[Scully looks away quickly. She produces a slim mobile from nowhere
 and dials with her thumb whilst balancing the phone on the other
 fingers. Her mother answers.]

Scully: Mum, it's me. No, nothing like that. I'm going to Australia,
        actually. I know. I know. Yeah, but... I know. You told me.
        There's a man there who claims my father's alive somewhere, I
        know -- but this is a possible Usenet deception, Mum, so
        it'll have to wait. Oh. You what? He what? Oh. OK. Bye.

[She puts the phone away. Mulder looks at her questioningly.]

Scully: She said the guy's gone. He got violent, so she shot him in
        the back of the head and he turned green.
Mulder: He turned what?
Scully: Green.
Mulder: What?
Scully: Green.
Mulder: What?
Scully: GREEN!!
Mulder: Oh! Sorry, I thought you said he was well-read. Listen, let's
        go see Skinner and then we can get going, OK?

[Mulder pops a sunflower seed in his mouth and switches the computer
 off. They walk to Skinner's office, knock, and enter. The office is
 empty. They hear clinking in an adjoining room and open the door.
 Skinner is in there, exercising with a strange contraption made of
 many pulleys and weights. He jumps up frantically when he sees M&S.]

Skinner: Get out of here! No-one is to know what goes on in this room!
         No-one! You understand me, Mulder? Not a word!
Mulder:  I'm sorry sir, I...

[Skinner comes into his office and slams the door behind him. He
 grunts bad-naturedly.]

Skinner: Well, it's just as well you came by, anyway. I need you and
         Scully to look into something. Some hostile aliens have
         taken the President hostage, and unless we can upload a virus
         to their mother...
Mulder:  Sir... there's something...
Skinner: ...four kinds of rice, and Charlie kept me in a bamboo cage for
         eight whole months...
Mulder:  Excuse me SIR! Agent Scully and I are looking at a possible
         roleplaying scam which has taken place on Usenet.
Skinner: Oh. Oh! Well, go ahead, Agent Mulder. Someone else can handle
         this.

[Cut to a new scene, in a plane. Much time passes. Mulder eats several
 slices of pie. A guy in the back corner tears paper into long thin
 strips. Scully stares distractedly at the in-flight video and crunches
 ice between her teeth loudly.]

Mulder: Do you have to do that?
Scully: I hate flying. You know how often these planes go down?
Mulder: Come on, Scully, don't start that up again.
Scully: What do you mean? I've never mentioned...
Mulder: Oh, but you will, Scully, you will. We're almost there.
Scully: Where are we going first?
Mulder: We're going to the house of the most deranged one, goes by the
        handle of...
Scully: "Handle"?
Mulder: It's a net thing, Scully, like a nickname. Calls himself
        Tyson's Jailer.
Scully: As in Mike Tyson?
Mulder: Your guess is as good as mine. Hey, we're touching down -- you
        can take your parachute off now, Scully.

[Scully pulls a face at Mulder's sarcasm. Cut to a new shot, the
 interior of a car. Scully is driving, in a most unusual fashion: she
 has the car constantly in reverse, and stares in the rearvision
 mirror to navigate. They stop abruptly with a loud crunch.]

Mulder: There goes our deposit. You got the right place, anyway.
        The "Tyson's Jailer" guy lives just across the street.
Scully: You said he's the craziest of all of them?
Mulder: By far, Scully. He's done everything but accuse his penpals of
        assassinating Kennedy. For some reason, most of his venom's
        directed towards two members of the forum, who he claims are
        really the same person and are out to get him.
Scully: And these people are?
Mulder: These people, or person, if you listen to TJ -- one of them
        goes by the name of Vladimir Linen; the other one's known only
        by the acronym RIO.
Scully: RIO. You know, if you shift all the letters in RIO by the same
        amount, you get VMS, which is a truly evil operating system.
        You think there's anything to that, Mulder?
Mulder: Like how they got HAL from IBM in that movie?
Scully: Just a thought. Let's get to work.

[Mulder and Scully get out of the car. A dog yaps somewhere; Scully's
 face lights up briefly, then saddens. They enter the house. Noise
 comes from a room towards the back, which they approach. As they
 stand outside the door, several gunshots are heard from within. They
 draw their weapons and, inexplicably, point them at the ceiling
 together before moving them down to cover the door. They burst in,
 only to find that the gunshots emanated from a machine running a
 prerecorded DOOM match.

 The scene is one of disarray. There are four computers in the room:
 two PCs, a Commodore 64, currently non-operational, and an Amstrad
 notepad. A black stereo is also visible. On the wall is an Escher
 knot drawing, a picture of Tux the Penguin, and a hex-to-ASCII
 conversion table. Books, papers, and a garden gnome sit on the desk.
 In the centre of all this is a figure with longish, shaggy hair,
 greenish eyes and a boyish face. He does not look up from his screen.

 Mulder fumbles as he tries to put his gun away.]

Mulder: Where the hell's my holster?
TJ:     Oh, she's right here...
Mulder: What?
TJ:     Sorry, never mind. You're Agents Mulder and Scully?
Scully: Yes. I'm Agent Scully. Mulder, look at this computer equipment.
Mulder: I see it, Scully. It's like nothing you ever see in any TV
        show or film -- the mouse seems to be a foot long and have
        more than a hundred buttons, instead of two.
TJ:     It's a keyboard, you dolts!

[The words "Mulder and Scully are not dolts" flash onto one of the
 video screens behind him for exactly one fifteenth of a second.]

Scully: Mr. Jailer... 
TJ:     Call me TJ, it's easier to type.
Scully: Err... OK, TJ, can we talk to you about this conspiracy you
        think you've uncovered?
TJ:     Wait! Stay right there! Don't say another word!

[He jumps up and, in less than a minute, pulls apart the phone, a
 lamp, the light fittings, power points, and every other piece of
 electric equipment in the room. His energy suddenly disappears and he
 returns to his computer.]

Mulder: Did you think there was a bug?
TJ:     What, in my newsreader?
Mulder: A listening device.
TJ:     What? No. I just like pulling things apart, you know, to find
        out how they work.

[Mulder and Scully exchance glances.]

Scully: Tell us about this conspiracy, TJ.
TJ:     I already told Agent Mulder most of the details. Vladimir
        Linen and RIO are the same person! They've got everyone
        convinced! They're all against me!
Mulder: What makes you think this?
TJ:     This Linen guy, he's done this before. He used to be two
        people before, I mean he had two names -- he called himself
        "Instant Kharma".
Scully: As in the Paul McCartney song?
Mulder: Actually, it was Jon Lenin, Scully.
Scully: *Actually*, it was John Lennon, *Mulder*.
Mulder: That's the type of distinction that can't be made in spoken
        dialogue, *Scully*.

[TJ guffaws loudly.]

Scully: What is it?
TJ:     Someone just made a spelling mistake, and we're all making fun
        of him. Roffle! Giggle. This is great.

[Mulder and Scully exchance glances again. Scully looks at one of the
 screens which is displaying slowly scrolling text.]

Scully: What the hell does "prurient" mean?
TJ:     Giggle. You'll have to ask Guinea Pig about that one.

[Mulder is gazing at Scully vacantly.]

Scully: What is it?
Mulder: I was just thinking what I'd do, if I was Mulder and found you
        naked.
Scully: Mulder! Don't be so...
Mulder: So... what?
Scully: I can't think of the word -- how embarrassing. [She stares at
        the screen again.] Who's this guy that says they should kick
        your teeth in?
TJ:     Oh, that's "Too Bucks".
Scully: Mulder, look at this, it sounds violent.
TJ:     Nah, he's just been around longer than most, and he usually
        knows when it's time to stop a thread. Some think he might
        be the sanest of any of us...
Scully: And what are you doing right now, TJ?
TJ:     I'm actually writing a post which ridicules my own theory, to
        throw the evil ones off my scent for a while. It's sort of a
        dialogue... in fact, right now my character's about to say:

[M&S talk to each other while TJ repeats, over and over, "In fact,
 right now my character's about to say:".]

Scully: Mulder, this guy doesn't seem crazy to me.
Mulder: Don't be so sure, Scully. Look at him -- wild eyes, uncombed
        hair, rapid, irregular bodily movements -- it's a classic case
        of advanced paranoid delusional psychotic schizophrenia.
Scully: Mulder, you really are a *crap* psychologist. What the hell
        did you do all those years you were in college, anyway?
Mulder: Some other time, Scully. Hey! [he slaps TJ] Snap out of it!
        Tell us what evidence you've found.
TJ:     Well, I'd rather not say, otherwise, if word gets out, they can
        cover up their mistakes from now on... but look at this! [He
        moves to one of the screens.] I'm running a big analysis here
        of all the traffic through the group, and I think I've found
        something interesting.

[He waits for M&S to say "What?", but they don't. He continues anyway.]

TJ:     This program...
Mulder: Is this program "some interpolating freeware you pulled in off
        the net?"
TJ:     No. Those words don't even mean anything. Why?
Mulder: We just have to say something like that in every episode, to
        give it a technologically upbeat feel.
Scully: Episode? Mulder, what are you talking about?

[Mulder looks confused and touches his forehead.]

Mulder: I don't know. I don't know why I said that at all.
TJ:     Yeah. Anyway, this program is looking at the way words are
        fitted together in the various posts, and I think I've found
        something very sinister in Lenin's and RIO's posts.
Scully: And?
TJ:     It's to do with the fundamental structure of the text they're
        posting. A pattern is forming -- here, look at this, you
        notice anything? I've named this linguistic formation "I before
        E, except after C". They're both using it constantly!
Mulder: You know, Scully, this is pretty convincing.
Scully: Mulder, there are a million reasons this could have happened,
        all much more believable than the absurdities you're proposing.
TJ:     But there's more, Agent Scully! Look, I've correlated the 
        dates and the headers on these posts, as *well* as finding
        some remarkable similarities in other groups...
Scully: Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're boring me, OK? Although I do find you
        strangely attractive...
Mulder: That's the second time you've said something out of character,
        Scully. What's going on?

[TJ leers knowingly. Just for fun, he types a few words at one of the
 computers, and immediately Scully lets her hair fall over her eyes,
 kicks her shoes off and slowly slides her skirt up her legs,
 revealing stockinged thighs with lacy suspenders.]

TJ:     What the hell are you doing, Scully? All I typed was 
        "grep -v \! ~/.newsrc", for Chrissake...
Mulder: Three times...
Scully: What was on that in-flight video, anyway?
Mulder: Some movie. The colour was blurred.
TJ:     OH MY GOD!!!!
Scully: What is it? Dammit, I've got a ladder...
TJ:     OH MY GOD!!!! OH MY GOD!!!!
Mulder: This is getting repetitive.
Scully: You can say that again.
Mulder: Sure can.
Scully: Gotta agree with you there.
TJ:     RIO is revealing herself publically!
Mulder: That's only one character away from what Scully almost just 
        did...
TJ:     We have *got* to get to this cafe right now! Come on, you two.

[They run outside. TJ squints.]

TJ:     What the hell's that big light in the sky?
Scully: The sun?
TJ:     Christ. It's too bright. Isn't that configurable somewhere? Hang
        on, I'll go check...

[Mulder grabs his arm before he can run back to his computers. They
 drive to the address specified on the screendump and enter, taking a
 dark booth in the corner.]

Waiter: Yeah, whaddya want? Oh, sorry... welcome to the Literature
        Lounge. "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times,
        and what would you like to eat, sir, madame and geek?"
Mulder: I'll have the duck.
Scully: I thought this was a cafe.
Waiter: Nah, we've got duck. [leaves]
Mulder: So, TJ, when's she arriving?
TJ:     She. Ha. He, more like it. Soon. Cover me when he gets here,
        OK? He's going to try to kill me.

[Waiter places a steaming dish on the table. M&S lean forward to look
 at it, and their heads almost touch. Someone in another booth
 whispers, "Did you see their closeness when the duck came?" A rather
 tall figure looms in the doorway, and approaches the booth.]

TJ:     Here he is!
Scully: She.

[RIO speaks in a sultry, undoubtedly feminine voice which makes Mulder
 take his eyes off Scully for the first time all day.]

RIO:    So! At last we meet. You convinced now?
TJ:     Ah, OK, but where's Vladimir Linen? Maybe he's you! Yeah!  You're
        not him, he's you! Where's he, eh? She's going to kill me!

[Linen enters.]

Linen:  & here I am! & what do you think about that, wise guy?
Scully: What's that thing he keeps saying?
Mulder: Sounds like a Navajo symbol...
Navajo: The F.B.I. man was very sick, but we prayed for his recovery.
TJ:     Where'd that Indian guy come from?
Mr. X:  I don't work for you and I will not answer your questions!
RIO:    Hey, who's the black dude?
Linen:  & who's this redheaded beauty with the gun in her holster?
TJ:     Holster? Where?
Mulder: Redheaded? Where?
Scully: Keep your bleeping eyes off, &-man.
Mulder: Now *you're* saying it, too.
Homer:  D'oh!
Skinner: Off the record...
Nelson: Ha ha!
Kramer: You gotta listen to your little man!
Marge:  Hmmmmm.....
Burns:  Simpson, eh? Don't recognise the name...

[TJ's vision is suddenly broken up by lots of horizontal black lines,
 and most of the people in the room disappear. Only Mulder and Scully
 remain, along with a tall man standing near the booth talking in a
 Californian accent.]

Man:    So, like I keep saying, ya know, I went to *RIO* for *three
        months* just to get away from her, ya know, but *still* she
        calls me up all the time, sheesh, ya know, I mean, whoa...
TJ:     Hang on... you said you *went* to Rio?
Scully: Err, TJ, meet my ex-boyfriend; Cleet, meet TJ.
TJ:     He's not RIO?
Mulder: She didn't show. Looks like you were right.
TJ:     They're still out there then? You didn't arrest anyone? OH MY
        GOD!!!! My life is in danger! I gotta get out of here!

[He runs through the door at high speed. Saucepans clatter, swearing
 is heard; shortly afterwards, he reappears from the kitchen and runs
 through the correct door at high speed. He has left a bundle of
 papers on the table.]

Mulder: Hey Scully, check this out. These papers are all the evidence
        TJ collected to prove that RIO was Linen.
Scully: I hate to say this Mulder, but it looks like you were right.
        This stuff looks scientifically valid and very convincing.

[Cut to a shot of Scully typing while wearing glasses, which she did
 not need while reading the papers in the last scene, nor when reading
 the computer screens in TJ's house earlier. Somehow her computer
 tells us what she is typing through a voice synthesiser which is
 perfectly modulated and sounds exactly like Scully's voice.]

Scully: ...TJ is now finding more and more conspiracies against him and
        has taken to living in an underground shelter where the one he
        calls "SPANKI" will not be able to reach him. On at least one
        point, it seems that he was correct: Agent Mulder and myself
        were finally led to the same conclusion as he -- that these
        two people were indeed one.

[Unexplained, sudden cut to an image of dark water under moonlight.
 Gradually ripples become evident on the surface. A female figure
 breaks the surface of the water, swimming with a rippling, sinuous,
 almost snake-like motion. Tattooed on the smooth, wet back of the 
 figure is one word: "RIO".]