"I have gashes all over my body, I'm covered in blood, my head is pounding,
I think I'm going to have a siezure, all my friends and their boyfriends are all dead,
but worst of all, my clothes are in shreds and my make-up is smeared!" - Alex
Hookers in a Haunted House
Year of Release - 1999
DVD Release - Ventura / Retromedia - 2002
Region 1 - NTSC - Unrated
Running Time - 84:39
Director: Lou Vockell
Starring: Leslie Culton, Jenny Wallace, Tiffany Jones, Jeff Weldy, Bill Randolph, Xavier Raines and Lou Vockell
Music: Jack Waldenmeir
To avoid the inevitable innuendo I will say that I purchased this DVD for review as a joke. A most appropriate term, actually, as you will see. Read on.
SYNOPSIS
The film starts quite cleverly with a parody of a B-Grade Monster movie, "Primitive Cave Women vs The Huge Giant Hostile Lizard Thingie!", complete with bad special effects and acting. It's a dream sequence for the main character, Alex (Culton), a pneumatically-breasted street-walker. Unfortunatly, once this opening sequence finishes, the bad special effects and acting continues, forcing me to question whether or not the dream sequence was indeed witty parody or not.
After the opening titles finish we see that Alex is being interviewed by a TV Reporter after what seems to have been a tragedy. Alex tells the reporter what happened...
Alex and her girlfriends, Cindy (Wallace) and Amy (Jones), are Hookers. They are out in the suburbs, because there is no competition. They hail down three tricks, er Johns, er their boyfriends. They are officially named Nerdy John (Weldy), John One (Raines) and John Two (Randolph). Nerdy John wears Vulcan ears. Star Trek - Nerd, geddit?
After imbibing copious amounts of alcohol and inhaling from enormous marijuana joints, the six "friends" go back to Nerdy John's parent's creepy bad special effect, I mean, house.
Nerdy John reveals that he is a collector of Occult Memorabilia. Skulls, Spells, Porn, Ouija Boards, etc. He's a Nerd, you see. He collects memorabilia. The sharp-edged satire continues.
Alex and John One go to one of the bedrooms, where Alex proceeds to disrobe and writhe about, while John One gets into bed in anticipation. After a pissweak slow-motion dance and sex scene, we are taken back to the living room where John Two is dancing with Cindy and Nerdy John is trying to convnce Amy to "get busy" with him.
Amy refuses, so Nerdy John decides to strike up conversation with the dead. He uses the Ouija board and a "humourous" chant to open a spiritual gateway. John One tries to take the Ouija board from Nerdy John, but it's too late - the spirts are angry!
They have disturbed the rest of the "vile, hideous, ill-tempered and excessively butch spirit of a grocery store bag boy" - Bag Job! Alex screams and faints. John One knows what to do. He proceeds to apply mouth-to-breast recussitaion. After which he finishes with the line, "Got milk?" Oh, the hilarity!
Naturally the group decides to split up.
Cindy decides to have a shower. After a pissweak slow-motion undressing and showering scene, John Two decides to join her in the shower. After a pissweak, but mercifully short, "sex" scene, Bag Job appears and kills John Two by beating him with a packet of Corn Flakes. He's a cereal killer, geddit? Cue the mandatory blood-down-the-drain with Corn Flakes shot a la Psycho.
Cindy runs off screaming and bumps into Bag Job. Cindy decides to do a pissweak slow-motion striptease in an attempt to save her life, but to no avail. Bag Job kills her by suffocating her with a plastic bag. I don't blame him.
Alex and John One are sitting on a couch, when Alex senses that Cindy has been killed. To keep their mind of things they decide to fool around on the couch in a fashion that is, you guessed it, pissweak and in slow-motion. Bag Job interrupts their fun by appearing from nowhere and killing John One, by chopping off his penis. Alex passes out!
Alex has a vision of Bag Job strangling Amy with reciepts. Now Amy has been killed of without having showed her breasts or having sex, pissweak and slow-motion or otherwise. She calls herself a Hooker?
Nerdy John wakes up Alex, but Bag Job discounts Nerdy John to death with a Price Gun. Alex runs away, being chased by Bag Job. Suddenly Alex is transported to Pergatory where she meets her Grandmother (Vockell). Alex's Grandmother reveals that she has the powers of "The Erotic Arts" which can control all men. Alex is then transported back to the house, where she proceeds to cavort about in various costumes of fantasy-wear. Must I mention that it is pissweak and in slow-motion?
Alex's "erotic" dancing succeeds and Bag Job is excorsised!
And there is a "twist" ending. And before the credits is a blooper reel. I'm sure you can't wait to see it.
VIDEO
The tranfer is in a Matted Widescreen of some description. Not in 1.85:1 that's for sure. I don't know whay they bothered, but I can bet that it's not enhanced for 16:9 TVs. The transfer itself is grainy and looks to have been shot with a cheap video camera, which would not exactly surprise me.
AUDIO
The one Audio track is in Linear PCM. Basically CD audio. Unfortunatly that means that the inane dialogue is clear and easy to understand. So too the cheesy porno-style music during the "naughty bits" and the Loony Tunes sound effects that highlight each "gag".
EXTRAS
Bonus Feature - Erotic Fantasy Vampire
This 12:37 feature is basically Leslie Culton dancing about in various Vampire fantasy-wear - in slow-motion. About as erotic as an episode of Frasier...
OVERALL
Hookers in a Haunted House is indeed a Horror movie. To a film buff it sends to the very depths of terror and despair. The movie tries to be an erotic comedy, and while there are a few good puns and some enormous breasts, it is bloody awful. It can't even pretend that it is a Porn film and salvage itself by having comparable scripts, acting and production values!
Lou Vockell, who wrote, produced and directed this turkey does not get any points for his filmmaking. And the "star" of the vehicle, Leslie Culton is no better. When she told her parents that she wanted to be an actress and they gave her money to go to acting school, it seems that instead of spending it on classes, she spent it on getting her breasts enlarged.
Hookers in a Haunted House is a terrible movie on a bad DVD. Therefore you should not miss it! Rent it today and recoil in horror!
Hookers in a Haunted House - Not Quite a Comedy, Not quite Porn, Not At All Good.
The Film: 
1/2
The Disk: 1/2
"Dark Lord" Paul Lenkic
"Accept the Lord of Darkness as your saviour!" - The Undertaker
© 2002