|
The once shy girl forgot her fears when he took her into his arms and kissed her. Her face flushed she lifted her face to met his lips.I gasped as waves of electricity coursed though my body. Her eyes closed and she felt dizzy as she went limp.I heard a moan emanate from my throat and then my legs collapsed.My mind was racing, my head was spinning. I was shaking all over. Oh how weak I felt at that moment. Every part of my body was lost to the incredible feeling that even to this day I am still unable to describe. Then my whole world exploded in a split second as I felt his hands on me. His arms around me made me feel safe and was eager to become one. He was gentle that night and her body was fulfilled at last.Talking to him tonight was absolutely wonderful. Forgetting how nervous I was around him I just enjoyed those moments with him, better then any dream come true because it was natural. I didn't have to make up some story or search for conversation. It was just him and I and the evening. "How many times have I wished for someone that could touch my heart?", you ask yourself, "How many nights have I longed for love to find me and show me the way to be whole?" Hours later she watched him sleep, like a little boy in so much peace. She leaned over and placed a kiss on his forehead and then drifted off to sleep. 
He soon began to travel thousands of miles to see her or flown her across the USA to see him and she would always wonders if he cares. He has taken hundreds of rolls of film made copies for her, which she keeps in boxes.The girl was silly.She wound up keeping everything that was given to her and always searching. And she still wonders if he cares.And he typed.. Ah, but I disagree. To date they have traveled to, Louisiana, Mississippi, Tennessee, Arkansas,Alabama,Floria, New York, New Hampshire, Vermont, Maine and Montreal,places she though she would never see. Smiles, tears, together, apart, sharing other lives is what it was all about. Knowing another human being and knowing alot about them and still caring. I, he says, ponder and wonder about the brevity of life. I smile as I remember the memories. I smile as I anticipate the future .She though back to all the hard times that she put him through because of this long distance romance and her lack of confidence .
She knew that she wanted this man. Sitting now,it is so quite that I can feel my heart beating so strong, thinking of this man that calls himself a redneck. She's afraid of many things and afraid of what tomorrow will bring. They came together uncertain, questioning whether these feelings would last a lifetime or just for the moment. and yet they continue. Until, one day her world feel out from beneath her. He started to be annoyed when she would ask him something he didn't want to answer. So she started not telling him things..Remembering how caring and thoughful he use to be and wondered how he could change. This man who said he was a romantic, now, seem like everyone else she had met.Sometimes he would forget things she had told him, or he just wasn't listening. Did the passion of the moment lead to love or the love of the moment lead to passion? I cannot say, her trust began to fade and life seemed hopeless. She had fallen in love with someone who kept her life on a roller coaster. Maybe to him this was a way of keeping distances, or maybe this is why he couldn't keep the one he had fallen in love with. She often thought, why had he told her to take it easy with him for he had been hurt and was recovering. Or was it a game that men like to play. Still she hung on, when she wondered why."...Life never ceases to amaze me. Just when I think I have everything figured out I get thrown a curve.I dropped a tear in the ocean, and until I find it, is the day I'll stop loving you! 
Night crept through my window as as I lay awake in melancholy disquiet..Days went into years and there relationship became less and less fulfilling.The hurt inside my heart intensifies with time, if only I could forget and push you out of my mind. Little things that made her happy soon stopped..as did all the other things that use to mean so much. He would say he care and she would silently cry. She was becoming a lost soul in all the mix feelings and broken promises, but yet she still hung on. Maybe she was just dreaming or they just stopped caring....so she went back into her silent world to remove him from her heart. She was searching for answers of why this had happen..why the changes and being treated like an old friend instead as his lover. Alot of her questions went unanswered, and she knew the truth, he had found another. It was time to say goodbye. She needed to end this mad relationship
They no longer laughed or played or even made love. She was drifting away from him in fear of being hurt.He continued to see nothing wrong as he came and went as he pleased, not caring how hurt she was becoming by a man who was always there when she needed him.It's sad that she though, she had met the man who would be honest and always able to talk to, but she was fooled once again. All the promises in the world would not change what had been done. She had a loneliness in her eyes, a wild sea of sorrow. The pain she could not leave, today or even tomorrow. For her life she is afraid, to talk, to see, to breath..to love him and hate him..makes it hard for her to leave.The imprint of his face, is in her soul..she can't leave this place..and he seems to know. So she looks away, her head always facing the ground..like the answers would be written down. What a vision my memory holds. I can remember the night we first met. Kellie found herself looking at his picture..touching the picture gently and kissing his lips... I see the lips that had touched mine so sweetly..and the arms that held me tight..I see the hands that ran through my hair..and the eyes that I feel deeply into..The smile that made me go weak in the knees...I see the ears that listened when I talked..and I see the only man that I would love forever! You broke my heart so many times...it's now shattered to pieces. And every time my teardrops fall..my heart is broken more. Even though I try to hide..the sadness comes straight through and I know I must release all shattered parts of you! So, please don't cry too hard when I say my last goodbye.I carry this love for you protected within me. Within my heart lies a warmth, it overwhelms me and makes me unable to catch my breath. Her soul kept screaming..
She continues to sit and Her mind flows with thoughts...But yet she knows with in the distance He cannot be here therefore her mind continues to flow with thoughts..she remember some talks ?I've been doing a lot of thinking I like you, a lot. But, " he paused, searching for the right words, ?I realized that I don't love you. When I started to speak, he covered my mouth with his hand. ?Let me finish. I came to the conclusion that I can't love anyone, not just you. I don't have it in me. If I did, I would love you, but something inside me won't let me love. Still she struggled to keep things together..knowing that he just wanted her when he was able...why she wondered??How does life go on each day when your heart is breaking.Once there was love, so blind I could not see.Dreaming of times to come. A life together to explore you left with no reason.I'm left only just to guess my love is lost. Back again, to loneliness waiting patiently for you. I sit here all alone hoping for another chance.Knowing to well that nothing would change, for he was a man who was use to having his own way, even if it ment hurting others.
I didn't see him when I stepped off the plane. He always met my plane at the airport. Stopping dead in the middle of the flow of people, I got pushed forward. Frantically my eyes searched the surrounding area. Where could he be? Looking through rose-colored glasses, I kept expecting him to show up at any time. He had never been late picking her up since there relationship. Because of the distance between us, each moment we had together became sacred. What could be wrong? So, instead of calling him and finding out the problem right away, I paced. All the while, I remembered every little fight we had, every ugly word spoken in anger. The happy memories never surfaced. I chewed my fingernails down to the quick. But I couldn't be still. If I sat down for more than a minute, my restless thoughts had me up and moving not more than a minute later. He finally called and said he was out front and so I picked up my stuff and went to meet him there. He helped me with my luggage and complained that if I packed this much in the future he would leave them. I was shocked at his cruel remarks, but remaind quite. Went headed out to Flordia as planned but there was this distance between them. It took two days and they came to a place that they decied to call it a night. I remember how we went to the beach and he left me standing there on the beach by myself while he said he had to make a call. after, he returned and we left, but still she felt the coldness. After that rip she would ask for the truth and he would say...I care for you...and if I demanded to know he would hang up on me or say I was causing the problem between us..still no answers. so, again time went on.. However my thoughts still wouldn't let me rest.
Then finally, the last time he was here in June, I get a email saying there was another woman that he was seeing when he came to see me. I was shocked..hurt...and then mad as hell. I went into his room that dreary morning and confronted him and then he told me, how he had been back in the chat rooms again, for two years, cybering with women and then just one woman. He saw nothing wrong with it, after all it was just "sex" no hassles, and then go to bed, so he told me. Some of the email was answered by this woman, told me different, she though was sending them to someone else, and then someone was sending them to me and I found out he had told her all about me and she had encouraged him to leave me that she loved him and hated when he came here to see me. What kind of woman would want a man that she knew someone else loved. Was she too so desperate that a woman of 54 couldn't find anyone around her to love. Did she realize that she too was just another nich in his belt of women. How she though I was no good for him and how I was bring him down. Again when I told him what was going on he said he cared for me and wanted to continue seeing me and her, that his feelings for me hadn't changed. This wonderful man had finally BROKEN my heart...shattered every little memory that i had once treasured so very much. All the deceit and lies, specially when he was visiting me and I would sense something wrong but I could never talk to him about it...if I did he wouldn't call, but now knowing why, so he could play without being bothered by me. Questions and memories played in jumbled sequence in my mind. What I was learning was, that it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it. Reflecting back now. I sit here all alone. Unable to regain the life, love and wonder so many share. I sit and stare out into the sea. Wondering, if you'll notice when I am gone. Here by the sea, I am reminded of you and how it used to be.The water, all around, floating me away from what we became. Wondering, if you'll remember me when I am gone. Here I stand now, remembering, overlooking this angry sea. You never really knew me, you surely never cared. Was I, who invited you into my life, not welcome anymore. You now repeat history with someone new. He who I once, though was a gentle man, who told me he would never hurt me, was once again looking for lonely women who he lured into his friendly and romantic trap. Giving her the same lines you once gave me,saying how you care and you will always be there for her...or until you least tire of her and move on, yet to another.
The sea, now reflects how it used to be
and now, I am trapped. It may take a long time to erase the memories, but the heartache will never set me free. No longer will I let someone play games with my heart...I will never trust or give so much to another human being, this is the gift this man left me. Still I continued with our relationship,that for a while seem to be like old times, but, soon became more and more shakey.. being accused of trying to harm the other woman or saying that I was the one who emailed myself those emails to myself to get answers. The problem was..as I would cry and ask..how did I know who she was..or where she lived..for you had told me there wasn't anyone. I was so stunned, to think a man who I though was smart could blame me for all of this..a man , if he though about it..would know, that I didn't know exsisted because he had been telling me there wasn't anyone else..so how do you defend yourself agaisn't this. I would remind him of the emails and things that where said in them and how SHE didn't like it that he was seeing me, but still he couldn't see..it was still my fault..for this other woman would never do such a thing. Well with thoughts like this how can I make him understand, when he is being told I'm not good for him, so no way can I reason with this. My life has been in such a turmoil and no one seems to care if I have been hurt from all of this so I live in despair and the feelings of unwanteness. Now, he has shut me out of his world. The man who said he would always be my friend no longer will answer my emails or call me. My world is empty and I no longer care...if I could hear just one more time to hear his voice one more time..if only he would call. Years have past and now she realize it wasn't love that she felt but a way out of her own life.
Months later she found out she doesn't have long to live and the pain deepened because she knew he would never be around again to comfort her through the hard times. With help of proffesional she has learn to live life again and to give her love to people who share life with her. This once unhappy woman knew that she never truly loved him and the sexual feelings that she though where real, actually was her way of thinking that was what she was suppose to do. She made him think he was the best lover..friend..she had ever known, when in fact the last few years was not statisfying mentally or sexual for her. She was now at peace and happy. Today is the first day of the rest of her life! ~to be continued~
|
